Dear Captain Awkward:

How bad is it to get involved with a new person when I am still very hung up on someone else? Someone not available to me, but still part of my friend group? Even though I am still in love with him, I no longer hold out hope that we can be together and I feel ready to find someone else. What I’m afraid of is that I’ll meet someone new, and get involved, and then realize that I am not really emotionally available for him, which seems like an awful thing to do. But, I don’t see how I can know in advance whether or not I will love the new person more, unless I give it a try. Does this make me evil?

Part 2 of this question is, do I have to tell my new guy at some point about the old guy? Old guy doesn’t want me to, as he’s married and is afraid of the story getting out to all our friends and our children. Does it really matter if either I don’t love new guy enough to stay with him, or if I love him enough that I don’t love old guy any more?

Dang it,
Confused

Dear Confused,

In answer to two of your questions:

“Does this (meeting someone new when I’m still hung up on someone else) make me evil?”

No.

“Part 2 of this question is, do I have to tell my new guy at some point about the old guy?”

No.

Here’s what I see in your letter.

You’re still extremely hung up on Unavailable Guy, and as you decide (correctly and laudably!) to move on, your jerkbrain is still looking for ways to keep making him important in your life and central to your decision-making. You can’t go out and meet new people, because your feelings for Mr. Unavailable might get in the way! If you did meet someone new, you’d of course have to tell him about Mr. Unavailable because….fairness….or…something? This idea of being “fair” to him, or to your feelings for him, or making those feelings part of decisions you make is a way of holding onto him in the face of grief and loss.

Inadvertently, you are hitting on THE fear and THE central possibility that is between the lines of so many dating questions, when you say: But, I don’t see how I can know in advance …unless I give it a try. 

When seeking romantic love, you can’t know in advance how it will go. If you choose to try, you choose to do so without knowing or controlling the future. Because we feel out of control, we do what we’d do in other situations, which is to play the “what if” game and run through scenarios. What if New People like you but you don’t like them as much as you like Unavailable, and you hurt them? What if you like them more than they like you, and they hurt you? What if being so hung up on someone that you are actually planning out the moment that you tell people you haven’t met yet about Him puts the kibosh on your ability to move on?

What if you never find someone you like as much as Mr. Unavailable, and this was your one chance at this, and now you can’t ever, ever have it?

I don’t think that’s true, for the record, but I think it’s a thing that can feel really true. And I think that’s the question at the heart of your letter, the secret question that keeps you fixed on an intractable problem because at least it’s a familiar one. The problem of “What do I do about Mr. Unavailable and my feelings for him?” is a well-worn groove in your life, a broken-in shoe. New shoes are shiny, but they aren’t comfortable. Not the way the old shoes were. Those were broken in just right…except for the hole in the sole. Those were the perfect shoes ….except for the stench from when you wore them without socks in summer that will never quite go away.

So, how do you grieve, while opening yourself to the possibility of the future? There are some things you can do to take care of yourself in the aftermath of a breakup, and the rest is up to time.

I have loved, and I have lost, and every time the losing felt like it would be the end of me, and every time I tried to bargain – with myself, with the other person, with the universe – to make the ending not be real.

And every time, time did its work. Once, years ago, at a party I was throwing, I saw an arriving guest only from the back as he walked down the hall to stow his coat. I was in the middle of something and someone else had answered the door, so I didn’t quite catch who it was, just the back of him.

The back of someone I had slept beside for years.

The back of someone I had been convinced at one time I would marry someday, a person it had been very hard (though 100% correct) to leave.

And the thought that I had while watching his back walk up my hallway was “Who is that? Must be one of (roommate)’s friends” because I literally did not recognize him until he turned around. I was glad to see him, but the days where my happiness rose and fell with his were long over. My brain had cauterized the place where he was anything more than another well-wisher at the party.

That’s a particularly happy ending, as we stayed friends. There are other kinds of happy, healthy endings best described as “It was really painful break up, but then we went our separate ways, forever.“

Time can’t work its magic if you’re still up in each other’s business all the time, if you’re still factoring him into your future decision-making or strategizing how you’ll deal with seeing him at Trivia Night. If seeing Unavailable Guy is painful for you, minimize how much you hang out with him. He’s part of the friend group, you say? Cool, you shouldn’t have to give up your entire friend group because of a romance that went bad. You’re so concerned about being “fair” to Mr. Unavailable and Theoretical Future Guy, maybe it’s time to be fair to yourself and ask Mr. Unavailable to step back certain events for a bit until you find your equilibrium and are not feeling so raw. He was a married guy and this was all a big secret, you say? Oh, okay, that adds a layer where you feel sad but you can’t publicly BE sad; you have to pretend that you are fine and that everything is fine, or people will Notice, and then they will Talk. Of course you’re feeling anxious and uncomfortable. Who wouldn’t have a hard time dealing with a bunch of secrecy and the fear of social fallout on top of rejection?

My recommendation is to make your old social circle a “small doses” thing, and go to their events only when you’re feeling strong.  Put your energy into meeting new people – all kinds of new people, not just potential dates. Some of those people might be new date prospects. Some of them might be new friends. All of them might be people who don’t know about you & Unavailable, people who don’t remind you of him, people who won’t bring you into contact with him or into situations where you have to fake being okay. And the very act of changing up your routines will be healing for you, will breathe fresh air into your life.

I think you should talk to someone about your time with Unavailable. But you are correct that “I’m only actually dating you because the person I really love is married and doesn’t want to be with me, and I’m not sure I can ever love you the way I loved him. But I’m willing to try!” + “Well, I’m just trying to be honest with you” are not words you probably want to deliver out loud to others. In fact, I would be wary of any new dating partner who hears that and says “sure!” or gets really into your history with Unavailable and wants process the gory details at length.

The intimacy of being close to and comfortable with someone after a long time grieving a breakup can make the temptation to use the new person as a sounding board a strong one, and it’s easy to advocate telling everything for the sake of “openness” or “honesty.” We need to be honest with the people we love, but there is also love (and honesty, and self-awareness) in asking yourself who is the right audience for certain discussions, when they happen, and how much you tell. Some things, like overburdening a new love partner with old love business, can be dressed up as the good kind of honesty. But if you haven’t done the work on your own to process this stuff, it can really be a self-indulgent way to keep talking about your ex and stay in your feelings about them…to a fresh audience.

May I suggest a pro counselor of some stripe for any details beyond “I broke up with someone last year, and it laid me low for a while, but I’m ready to meet new people again”? Use a therapist, use a journal, use a trusted friend who knows what actually went down, and tell the story over and over again until it bores you. Tell it until it sounds like something that happened to someone else, a long time ago. When the details are just mundane, and you can say what happened without analyzing and second-guessing or justifying your decisions, when it takes 2 minutes to tell rather than 2 hours, you’ll know that you’ve healed.

In the meantime, if you want to try to go on some dates, try going on some dates. It is okay to go on some dates without putting your entire romantic history and your entire heart up for grabs. If they are lackluster and you don’t feel excited, if it feels overwhelming or like too much effort, don’t go on more dates with those people. If some of that is secretly about how they compare to Unavailable Guy, they don’t have to know that. If someone stands out from the crowd – he’s really great, he’s into you, you’re always excited to see him, he’s emotionally available and not otherwise attached (this should be your new operating baseline, it will save you a lot of grief or at least from repeating the same grief), give it a chance and get to know him better. If he supplants Mr. Unavailable in your heart, you have very good problems. If he doesn’t, and it ends, let it end. But again, you don’t have to tell him the reason beyond “You are great, but I don’t want to take this deeper or further, I’m sorry.”

Don’t get involved with anyone you don’t adore. But also, don’t use the specter of Unavailable Guy as a reason to keep good people at arm’s length because you’re scared. Being scared is just part of the territory of the unknown, which you have to venture into, because it’s where the future lives. The thing about the future is that you’re going there no matter how you go, whether it’s kicking and screaming, hung up on somebody who doesn’t want to be with you, or cautiously excited and brave. You’re asking the hard questions now, which has me leaning toward “brave,” so here’s hoping that fear will soon start to feel like freedom and possibility.

Dear Captain Awkward:

About two weeks ago, I was broken up with by my then-boyfriend of nearly two years, P. I did not see it coming, at all. A week before, he had invited me to his family’s reunion in the summer, and he had spent the previous weekend with me.

P and I met on a dating website, after I had been single for a couple of years. We seemed to click right away, he was very attractive and intelligent, and was fun to converse with. The only major problem in our relationship, that I could tell, was that he was bad at emotional intimacy. Like, way bad.

When he broke up with me, he sent a bunch of mixed signals. The few times we saw each other or talked during the first week after, he was way physically (& not platonically) affectionate, and was telling me all about how his day was going. Needless to say, it was confusing.

I spoke with a friend who is mutual friends with P, and she confirmed that nobody knew that P was going to break up with me, and that P was being a sad panda about it. He said (to my best friend) that I should get in touch with him when I was ready.

I ended up talking to my therapist about it, and she suggested that I figure out why he had broken up with me. Initially he said it was because he didn’t feel the way for me the way he thought he should, but all of his actions pointed away from that. So, I texted him to see if he was open to talking, and off we went to our favorite diner.

That talk, to say the least, ended badly. He hemmed and hawed and gave weird reasons (didn’t want to move in together, which was odd because I was nowhere near ready for that either), only to change his mind the next second. Then he said, “I just never saw myself with somebody like you.”

When I asked what that meant, he mumbled something about my “eclectic” fashion sense. Then, he blurted out, “I guess I always saw myself with somebody more conventionally attractive.”

This obviously hurt. In the beginning, I often wondered how somebody like me could land a guy so freaking hot. And now, cool! All my fears and insecurities came true! Awesome!

I got angry, and told him that there was no way, none what so ever, that we could be friends after this. He got sad, and was practically pleading with me. He apologized a bunch, promised he’d be a better person in the future, all that. When I left his car, I told him that he could consider himself free from me, and I went and ugly-cried all over the place. I deleted and blocked him from everything, disabled a lot of my social media accounts to avoid lashing out at him.

In the process of that, I came across a post he made on Reddit, asking how to forgive himself after he had hurt somebody, mentioning how he was never proud to be seen in public with me, and how he knew from the beginning that he was settling for way less than what he wanted in a partner, namely in the looks department.

It’s less than a full day later, so I know it’s too soon to make huge declarative statements but: This has utterly messed me up. Like, I’ve always been aware that I was less than cute by society’s standards but I’ve never had a hard time getting dates/hook ups/relationships, so I figured I was doing okay enough. Now, I have to deal with the knowledge that a man I was in love with for nearly two years, who introduced me to his family and friends, who seemed to have no problem having sex with me, secretly wished I looked like somebody else. From the get-go.

I guess my question is: How to I survive this? I can’t look in the mirror without bawling. I’m so nauseated that I can barely stomach food. I am hating my body and my face a lot right now. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, that this anger should instead be directed at him for being such a jerkface, but it’s easier to point it at myself.

For right now, I am so turned off to the idea of finding somebody else, even in the distant future, because now I’ll always be wondering at the back of my head: What if this hypothetical person will also lie to myself about loving me and having sex with me while actually being embarrassed by me?

I want to shake your therapist. She fucked up when she counseled you to pursue more answers from someone who dumped you. Please show your therapist this comic, and tell them it’s from me. I don’t think you are any of the things the break-upper lists in the comic,  by the way, just, the act of asking for the reason someone doesn’t love you anymore means you’ll get the reasons that someone doesn’t love you anymore. 

You did right by blocking P and cutting him out of your life. Stick to that going forward! I just wish you’d done it before that awkward diner meal, because honestly, your refusal to believe or accept his stated, face-saving, feelings-saving reasons for the breakup is the only reason that you know the hurtful ones. “I am not feeling it anymore” = good enough reason to break up. “I am breaking up with you” = good enough reason to break up. Whatever reason the person tells you is a good-enough reason. More important than the reasons are the facts, in that, you are broken up now. You cornered the dude, and you made him explain, he tried everything he could not to tell you, but you kept pushing, so he eventually he did. Hopefully you will never do that again, and hopefully you will counsel friends who come to you after breakups to never do that, hopefully people reading this who were on the verge of doing that will stop themselves from doing that and your story can help someone else. We can’t put spilled milk back into the glass, so let’s move on to what you can do with this information you obtained.

If P was so un-attracted to you, he should have peaced out after your first date and not wasted two years of your fucking time. So what you have here is a) ONE DUDE’S OPINION, not the opinion of all future people who are not him, not the opinion of people who have loved and lusted for you in the past b) one crappy, cowardly, lazy dude’s opinion. Here’s the deal – if P was having sex with you, he WAS attracted to you. If he stopped being attracted to you, then breaking up was the right thing to do. My take is that this isn’t so much about attraction, this is about perceived status, about seeing you as a “thing” that is somehow the measure of his own worth. You weren’t good Trophy Wife material (in his opinion), oops! That’s way more about him than it is about you.

So any time that “What if this is what it will always be & feel like?” voice comes into your head, counteract it with “Just one dude’s opinion, man.” One crappy sexist dude who is no longer in your life. I know it stings. I know it hits you right in your own insecurities, which is why he didn’t want to tell you initially, and why he said it in the end - It’s a conversation-stopper! So what, you dress quirky and don’t look like an airbrushed magazine cover. You can tell the story where this Adonis of a perfect man broke up with you because of your looks, or you can go with the story you told me about how you dated a really handsome dude who was bad (like, way bad) at emotional intimacy and good at compartmentalizing, one who broke up with you out of the blue because of his OWN insecurities, not anything about you. You are too awesome to be someone’s How Do I Emotions? tutor!

Other people are not P, and P. is not worth hating yourself for. Put the anger where it belongs, on him, in your rearview mirror. Be nice to yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. Take care of yourself as you get over the breakup. Have no further contact with him, don’t go looking for his username, and let a lot of time go by. It will get better, and the day will come when he has no power over you at all.

There are some lingering questions that you might want to talk over with your therapist at length as the feelings come up, but ones that I want to give you some preliminary answers to now.

“Why didn’t I see the signs that this was coming?”

It’s easy to feel stupid when you’ve been blindsided. A bomb went off in your life, how could you have missed the ticking? The answer to this one is: Because he didn’t want you to see any signs. He deliberately acted like nothing was wrong while he made up his mind, because he wanted to keep the “option” of you open while he decided what to do. He wanted your love, affection, sex, attention, time, the happiness & security of having a ‘girlfriend’, etc. while he made up his mind. That’s on him, not you! Either he really was undecided, or he was faking it to keep you interested for as long as it suited him. He engineered it to be this way, and then creepily was touching you up a week after you broke up, because he still felt entitled to your affections. Gross.

“What if I can never trust someone’s interest in and desire for me again?”

That one is kind of up to you, and to time. One dude’s opinion, unfortunately reinforced by a body-hating, body-shaming culture, is not everyone’s opinion. And it doesn’t have to be your opinion, though it may take some hard work on your part to fight it. May I recommend a coloring book?

“How can I feel better again?”

Be around people who make you feel good, and do things you love to do and that make you feel good. These are things you can control, so reach out to your friends and ask for brunch, ask for days at the movies or the museum or biking or staying up watching TV. Go swimming, get a massage, get some great pajamas and some awesome-smelling lotion and other stuff that makes your body feel great. Seek out body-positive online communities. Throw away your conventional fashion magazines, don’t consume media that hates on you. Love yourself way better than that P-dude ever, ever could.

Dear sifters of potentially-answerable awkwardness,

I’ve had a lover of the very best kind for the past ~9 months, healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and we both had started to talk about, you know… we could see us together for a long time. I feel respected and heard and loved and the sex is incredible.

We both have a history of depression, but in many ways sharing that made it easier for us to relate and be supportive of each other.

7/9ths of this time has been long distance; we started seeing one another just before I finished graduate school and moved from the heartland to a well-paid technical job on the left coast. Lover has a BFA and has struggled with unemployment most of his adult life. We’d talked about him moving here as I am in a position to support him, and would be happy to for him to pursue his art. But fears and feelings of dependency and uselessness are what his depression eats and breathes.

A month ago, I was visiting, and Lover said he doesn’t know who he is right now, and needs to focus on his own mental health and knows that it breaks my heart and breaks his too, but he needs some time for himself, for self care and therapy. I told him if space was the only thing he needed that I could give him right now, I would give that to him, and we both cried ALL the tears. I love him and I want him to be well. He said how much he loves me, too and let’s call it not a break up for now, but a break.

The radio silence we’d agreed on has passed and we’ve talked. He is still not well (a month is not a long time), is maybe possibly in the beginning stages of starting to climb out? But we can’t be together as we were. We also still love each other, very much.

We don’t want to drop out of each other’s lives. We said let’s talk on the phone sometimes, not just fb/instagram, and we both thought about once a week sounded good. (We used to talk every day, usually multiple times.) We talked about how neither of us really is that interested in dating anyone else right now. We said goodnights with “I love you.”

Captain does “can’t be in a relationship right now” always mean “with you”? Can it ever be legit? I don’t want to get over this. I love the boy with sparkles I’ve never had, including in my 5 year marriage in my early 20s. He clearly still loves me. I don’t want to ‘put my life on hold’ but neither do I really want to put a ton of effort into ‘getting over’ him.

-Feeling too many things

Dear Feeling:

“I can’t don’t want to be in a relationship right now with you” can be the ambivalent or uninterested person’s soft rejection, or it can exist alongside all the feelings of connection in the world.

I advocate replacing “can’t” with “don’t want to” because while it’s painful, it’s useful to remind yourself that when someone breaks off a relationship for any reason, they are making a choice. The decision can really be more about timing, logistics, health, etc. than it is about feelings, i.e., the “don’t want to” can have a lot of genuine “can’t” embedded in it, but the choice is the choice. “If circumstances were different, I’d be all about you, but they are what they are, so I’m making this decision that the relationship is not where I want to focus my energies.”

When you fixate on the “can’t” part of it, when you stay focused on the circumstances at the expense of the choice, it keeps you invested in solving the problems in a relationship that someone just told you they don’t want to be in. When you’re in love with someone like you’re in love with this person, the Wishful Thinking Translator is very powerful. “He said he can’t be with me right now because _______” = “If I solve for _______, he will be with me! Let’s roll up our sleeves and fix this motherfucker!”

And the devil of it is, that might actually sorta be true, in your case? Like, if your partner weren’t feeling so depressed and shitty right now, you’d probably actually be rolling along like you used to be. So, there’s a problem, and your loving, delightful, smart intelligent human brain is ready to find the solutions because that’s what our miraculous brains do when someone we love has a problem.

Proposed Solution 1: Fix the depression.

If you figure out how to solve someone else’s depression so that they can finally become the partner you want them to be, DEFINITELY CALL ME ABOUT GUEST POSTING OPPORTUNITIES THX.

Proposed Solution 2: Adapt the relationship into something that is more “workable.”

Like, pulling back daily, constant interaction to once/week. Like calling it a break, not a breakup. Like reaffirming your feelings in spite of the shitty situational stuff, and remaining hopeful. (YOU ARE HERE.)

If this level of contact is enjoyable and sustainable for you, and agreeable to him, then why the hell not wait it out for a while and see if things get any better? You get to decide what you do with your heart and for how long.

One pitfall of this, of course, is that you don’t actually want to talk only once a week. You want a boyfriend, not an occasional pen pal. And the longer you pour yourself into the shape of the world’s most supportive and accommodating girlfriend — oops! supportive friend with absolutely no agenda whatsoever! — the more your own needs are going to disappear inside his immediate & overwhelming ones. “I need a boyfriend who pays a lot of attention to me and is very present, even if it’s from a distance. I want a boyfriend who will make a plan to actually move to where I’m living. But you know, X is very depressed right now, and until he deals with that, this is okay, too…I guess…I mean, I know what it’s like to have depression, and I want to be fair about that.” His needs are more acute right now, but now long before they take over and the relationship runs only on his terms? You have radio silence (that you don’t want) when he needs it, you have occasional contact (less than you want) when he needs that…when are you allowed to have needs again?

Proposed Solution #3: Believe and honor his choice.

The circumstances – mental illness that no one asked for – are shitty and heartbreaking. And I am so, so very sorry.

But your lover’s choice, to pull back from the relationship and focus 100% on his own recovery, is actually pretty legit. I have a lot of side-eye for the “I’m breaking up with you for your own good, you shouldn’t have to be saddled with poor me” breakup, but someone who says “I have energy only for myself right now, sorry” is being brave and honest.

This is why I encourage people who are being broken up with to pull back from sifting through the reasons and look at facts. Reasons matter, of course they do, but the fact is: He ended your romantic relationship. He chose Not You, or, only a Little Bit Of You In Small Manageable Doses On His Terms, For Now.

He could have said “I love you, hang in there with me, we will be together someday I promise, but I need a few months to pull my mental health together and focus on that.“

He could have said “I’m moving to where you are, will you take care of me like you offered while I do therapy and get myself together, I would really like you by my side while I work these things out.“

My grandparents got married and then my Grandpa went back to the war and they didn’t see each other except occasionally for the next four years, and since he stayed in the service they had many long periods of separation and relocation for the next decade or so. While times and expectations about marriage were different then, they did not actually know for sure that they’d still be in love when they were finally able to reunite. They had no guarantees that they’d be the same people, or they’d still be compatible. They had to re-learn each other, and re-decide to stay and make it work. They were very much in love, it turns out, and they did stay together for the next 60 years, but day to day during their separations the most they ever had to go on was “If we both survive this, I promise to try really hard to still love you” because that’s all anyone has ever had to go on. For a less dramatic example, for some couples, “I got into this neat grad program that means I’ll be moving very far away ” means “let’s break up, that’s too hard” and for others it means “Let’s get hitched before you go so the health insurance will all be cool while we figure out the rest.” 

Saying “I love you” when you hang up the phone, not being interested in dating anyone else, being regretful, missing the other person a lot, liking someone more than you’ve ever liked anyone else, honestly loving someone and really wanting it to work out are all reasons to be sad about the way this is ending. You’re throwing them out there, as signs, as evidence, like we’re proving a geometry theorem, but they aren’t proof. There is no substitute for “I. Choose. You.” 

When you’re in a situation like this, it’s tempting to grab onto the narrative about how “good love just takes work!” and wrap it around you like a big comfy blanket. Work! It’s something you can DO. It’s something you can CONTROL.Work Ethic, meet Feelings! Feelings, roll up your sleeves and meet this Plucky Can-Do Attitude!

Healthy relationships do take work in the sense of figuring out “Where will we live and who will do the dishes there?“

“I will distract you while we wait for the doctor to call with the news.” “I will be the sociable buffer while we visit your difficult family.” “I will clean up the cat barf so you don’t have to look at it or smell it.” “I will work on managing my mental health issues so I can more fully present as your partner.”

This kind of work can be hard and draining as hell, depending on the circumstances (fist-bumps to all the new parents and the caregivers out there!), but if you know for sure that you’re in this thing together and the division of labor feels fair and reciprocal, it’s not bad work.

The bad kind of work is the stuff that romantic dramas are made of. “You are a stalker and literally a vampire, sure, let’s date! Let’s break up and get back together 10,000 times. Love triangle, heeeeeeeyyyyyyyy! OK I will let you bite our terrifying deathbaby out of my womb.” It’s very intense and sexy and words like “destiny” or “meant to be” get thrown around a lot, with massive amounts of energy expended on the question “Should we actually be together? Do I actually want this? Does the other person actually want this?” The higher the stakes, the harder the struggle, the more it proves that the relationship is worth it, in Storyland.

My opinion is that high-conflict situations are compelling to read about and watch, but draining to live, and that “this totally sucks!”/”ok just work at it harder” is a damaging, toxic message when people try to translate it from stories to life. In fact, I am working on a theory that goes like this:

The more times someone mentions “destiny”, “soulmate”, “it was meant to be,” “I felt like it was fate”, “I just know in my heart that we are meant to be together” “I think that if we just worked at it…” in either a TV show or a letter, the more likely I will find myself throwing metaphorical popcorn and yelling “you know you could just break up, right?” in the direction of the cat. When it’s working, it doesn’t need to be “meant to be;” it just works.

My other opinion that there is no amount of work that you can do to preserve a relationship if the other person isn’t on the same page. Logistics can be worked out. Brainweasels can be managed. Hard times can be lived through. But “I want to sail in this boat with you, wherever it takes us” is not negotiable. You’ve got to choose each other, and if both people aren’t fully doing that, all the work (and all the love/pantsfeelings/hopes/wishes/sense of connection/signs/green flags) in the world won’t fix it.

You say in the opening of your letter that this is by far the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in. Let’s add some words onto the end of that sentence, like we did with “…with you”:

This is the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in so far.

Either this relationship is going to get healthier because your partner works on his stuff, feels better, and makes a strong, clear, unequivocal move back in your direction, or you are going to meet someone else who will have all the great stuff this person does + some other great stuff that you don’t even know about + that person will fully choose you as hard as you choose them. 

I know it is not what you want to hear, but my honest suggestion is that you either decide together that you want to make a go of it, or you make a cleaner, longer break (3-6 months, no contact) before you do any more work or try anything resembling being friends. This limbo is not healing him and it’s not serving you.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I’m organising a house party for my 21st birthday, but I’ve run into a dilemma which I don’t know how to resolve. Backstory is, I was dating this woman, let’s call her X, for over half a year. We split up before January. It was my first real relationship and the breakup really, really hurt me badly, and I’m not sure I’m entirely healed yet. Having said that, me and X are on friendly terms, and I like to think that neither of us harbours genuine ill will against the other. After a long period of no contact, X and me started talking against and she invited me to her house party a few weeks ago. I went, and realised that it was a terrible mistake to go. I was pretty unhappy for a few days afterwards. Since then, we’ve still been in contact but only on a fairly light-hearted context.

So, that’s the history behind it. My dilemma is, should I invite her my party? My gut feeling is to say, hell no. I know that if she comes, I won’t enjoy it, and I’ve never organised anything like this before and I’m a bit shy at the best of times so I want to be 100% on the top of my game that evening. Also, some of my friends have a pretty big grudge against her (she never got on well with them when we were dating, and they’ve not exactly warmed to her since we broke up), so I know it wouldn’t make for a very pleasant atmosphere. That all sounds very clear cut, and I don’t expect that she’d want to come anyway even if I invited her. The problem is, since she invited me to her most recent party, and I was also at at her 21st birthday last year which was an event that was very important to her, I feel that not sending her an invitation – even though I don’t think she’d accept it – would be a really nasty snub to her. We’ve also got a few mutual close friends who I want to invite, so she will know if I don’t invite her.

She’s not a bad person and I don’t want to be rude to her, especially since she’s been nice to me and has tried to make things up with me, but I don’t want to potentially spoil an event that’s supposed to be happy. Doubly so, since I’m graduating soon after that and it’ll be one of the last chances to properly hang out with a lot of the other people who are leaving as well. Please help me out!

Sincerely,
Unsure about how not to offend my ex

Dear Unsure:

You can invite anyone you want to your party, and you don’t have to justify it to your friends. You can not invite anyone you don’t want to your party, and you don’t have to justify it to your ex. Good reasons: “Felt like it.” “Didn’t feel like it.” “Forgot.” “Thought about it, decided not to.” “Can fit only 8 people in my living room.” Your party, your money, your booze, your house, your space = your rules about who to invite. 21 is a good time to learn this, so, happy birthday!

You don’t have to be friends with your ex at all. Even if she’s not an inherently bad person. Even if she’s trying really hard to be cool. Even if you’re friendly, more or less, you definitely don’t have to be good friends with her or let her back into your inner circle. An invitation is not a contract, or an order.

Say you agree with both me and your own gut, and you don’t invite her. Say she finds out that you had a party and didn’t invite her. Say she invokes Party Smeagol and actually brings it up with you and tells you it hurts her feelings. Awkward! What can you really say? “I’m glad we’ve become somewhat friendly again, but I wanted my birthday celebration to be uncomplicated.” “Oh, didn’t realize you’d want to come to that. Maybe next time.” 

You don’t have to work hard at this lady anymore. Happy birthday!

Edited To Add: This Miss Conduct piece on how to figure out who to invite to what is great.

Dear Captain,

I don’t know if you can, or even want, to help me.

A few years ago, when I was younger and definitely more stupid, I slept with a few married guys. I was recently out of a toxic marriage and went a bit nuts with online dating. It was a revelation that guys found me attractive after the mindfuck my ex did on me. My rationale for being ok with sleeping with married guys was that their personal lives were their own business and I didn’t owe a duty of care to their wives or families.

I came to change my mind on that and stopped sleeping with married guys about three years ago. Since then I’ve developed two separate ethical non-monogamous relationships with great guys who know about each other and are cool with the situation. Both guys know that I slept with married guys in my past.

My problem is that one of the married guys I slept with has been busted by his wife. She’s also found his list of fuckbuddies, complete with the notes he made of all details he had on them. In my case, that included my full name, where I worked and my email address. She’s kicked him out and is understandably white-hot with rage. To ice that particular shit cake, he’s given her several STDs, one of which has developed into cervical cancer which she’s now battling.

I know this because she phoned me (I hung up on her because I was caught unawares and she didn’t give her husband’s name) and then sent me an email. She wanted confirmation of what he told her about how often we met and when we stopped seeing each other. I confirmed those facts. She then started getting nasty, and descended into vitriol, to which I didn’t respond. It’s been a few days and no more emails but I’m wary about my windows being smashed or car tires slashed. I don’t know how unhinged she is. I’m hoping she’s moved on to his other conquests and will leave me alone now.

I have two pre-teen children and a good job. I don’t want to endanger either of those things. I know that her husband is responsible for her situation, not me. But I was a contributing factor.

I feel very guilty about her situation and wonder what the right thing to do is. Any suggestions?

20/20 Hindsight Regrets

Dear Hindsight:

If it makes you feel better, I have no stones to cast in your direction, only a “Yup, I wish I hadn’t done that either” wince when I look back at my 25th year upon the earth.

Thankfully my Mr. Bad Idea Jeans wasn’t a total dumbass who keeps detailed notes of his extracurricular activities and then leaves them for other people to find. WHO DOES THAT? “Sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to sleep around so much, I was just gathering material for my memoir!“

The damage — a LOT of damage– has been done. However, as shitty as her circumstances are, as terribly and righteously angry as she must be feeling right now, as regretful as you must feel right now, if you said “I’m really sorry” to her somewhere in that email exchange then there is literally nothing you can do that will make her feel better or make her life better. There is nothing either of you will gain from further engagement with one another. So you were smart not to respond to her emails, and you should keep doing that.

My prediction is that she will leave you & the other stars of Mr. Unfathomable Shitbeards’s Big Book of Ladies alone once she a) gets it out of her system and comes back to herself a little bit b) as long as people do not engage with her. Lashing out this way takes a lot of energy, and without a response to keep the conflict alive it will very soon seem pointless and not worth it. Anyone who does write back to one of her emails (or a public social media post) has just bought themselves 6 more weeks of unwanted contact.

There are a few things you can do to give yourself a little bit of control back while this spins out:

1) Filter her email address to a special folder that bypasses your inbox. Check it no more than once a month with a trusted friend and a glass of wine at hand –you need to keep anything that comes in to document in case things escalate, but it will be better if you control how and when you engage. If she calls, don’t answer. If she emails, don’t write back.

2) Lock down your social media accounts so they are friends-only. If she has accounts that you can easily find, preemptively block them without interacting — if she hasn’t found yours before now, to her it will look like you’ve never existed. Especially make sure your workplace information and your picture aren’t widely visible to people who aren’t already your friends.

Did I say block her? I meant block THEM. Both of them.

3) Vary up your routines a little. Take a different way to work, park in a different place so your car is less of a target for slashed tires and awkward run-ins.

4) Think through scenarios. How could you respond to someone you know who also knows Mrs. Bad Idea and who is uncool enough to bring it up with you?

• “Wow” or “Did you really just ask me that?”
• “I prefer not to discuss this at work” or “I prefer not to discuss it.”
• “If you know the story, then you’ll know why I’m not keen to discuss it.”

Disclosure of something like this isn’t something you actually owe to anyone, but if you feel the need to elaborate, howabout this:

• “I made some real mistakes with dating after right after my divorce, and Mr. Bad Idea was one of them. I apologized to Mrs. Bad Idea when she reached out to me, beyond that, I don’t see any good that can come from engaging with her.”

5) Get yourself tested for STIs if you haven’t in a while, since she might not be the only one nursing a nasty surprise from a guy who had so many things going on he had to keep a roster. I will cross my fingers that all is well there.

6) Forgive yourself and move on as best you can. This was more than three years ago, your involvement is long past, you ended the relationship because you realized it was wrong and have made major changes to how you do things that are more in line with your ethics. The dude put his wife at risk, kept NOTES (I’m really never letting that one go – journals are one thing, making your exploits identifiable and findable to others is quite another) and he is really the one who put all of you in this crappy situation. Once you feel safer and more sure that she’s not going to ambush you in the school pickup line, see if you can stop casting her in your mind as “unhinged.” What she is is really fucking angry. It’s easier to be angry at strangers than it is to be angry at the person you share your life and bank accounts with, but sooner or later the anger will all come home to roost in its proper place. Put your anger there too and move on.

Dear Captain Awkward & Associated Awesome Awkwardeers,

My longtime internet friend and I have a serial writing project that we publish casually online for free; we’ve been writing on it practically since we met. We have a very small fanbase, but they are extremely dedicated and patient as we work to get the writing up. We missed getting our latest installment up on time, and since then I’ve tried to work on it every evening, but Friend has been a little less into it, and it can’t go forward without the both of us. It’s not like we have Real Obligations though, and the muse wants what the muse wants, so I’ve tried my best to be cool about things even though I’m desperate to finally get it online.

Recently, however, Friend decided to sign up for another writing challenge that will take 1-2 months to complete. (It’s annual, like NaNoWriMo.) They asked me first if I would be cool with it, and I said (honestly!) that I would be sad about our project, but if they aren’t feeling it they aren’t feeling it, and they shouldn’t be forced into writing something they are sick of, because that’s a surefire way to get them to hate it and hate me for pushing it. I told them to go for it.

The thing is, I have put most of my emotional eggs in this basket. I suffer with depression, anxiety, and other physical health problems that make it hard to even get out of the house, much less find work, I am trapped an abusive household, I am broke, and I have no healthy “real life” relationships with anyone. For years, this project has been my reason for getting out of bed every day, but I haven’t been out of bed since Friend broke the news. I’m extremely disappointed and embarrassed about letting down the people who follow us, and my jerkbrain is irrationally terrified this means Friend is getting tired of our project FOREVER (and tired of me by extension).

I know Friend deserves space and to work on things that interest them even if it doesn’t make me happy. This shouldn’t be a big deal and I don’t want to make it one. I don’t want to be anyone’s obligation and I don’t want Friend feeling guilty. I think if it weren’t for that recently missed deadline I could just deal with it, but I keep going back and forth between bitter resentment and blame-throwing, and then feeling horrified at thinking like that about someone I love so dearly. I’m afraid letting on how upset I am will lead to a FEELINGSDUMP, or that I’ll FEELINGSDUMP anyway, and make things seriously awkward. But suffering in silence feels dishonest and neglectful of my own needs, while making a big stink feels childish and clingy. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through these next months without messing everything up.

Please, please, PLEASE help me, Awkardeers. You’re my only hope! My entire social circle knows this person, and I don’t have a single other soul I can confide in or ask for objectivity from.

much love and many thanks,
Trying To Deal Responsibly

Dear Trying To Deal:

If your friend were in fact ready to move on from this project permanently, is the work important enough to you to keep doing it alone?

“Jerkbrain” is my native tongue, and I can hear your automatic “but I caaaaaan’t because of 10,000 reasons” through the Internet, but I want you to sit with that question for a little while before you comment here or talk to your friend, because it is a real question.

Because if any part of the answer is “Yes, I would want to keep going”, then my honest advice is to do it alone. Communicate exactly what you are doing and why, but do it.

“Friend, I know your focus isn’t on our project right now, but it’s important to me to keep going and maintain momentum, so I’m going to get last week’s/month’s installment up on my own.”

If you really can’t do it alone, like, it’s a web comic and you write the scripts but they draw the panels, raise the possibility of a different collaborator.

“Friend, I know your focus isn’t on our project right now, but it’s important to me to keep going and maintain momentum, so I am going to ask (fellow artist) to draw this month’s panels and see how that works out.”

You can add onto both of those statements. “Friend, I want to do this with you, and the door is always open when you are ready to work on it again. I don’t want to pressure you if you’re not into it right now, but I also don’t want to stop.”

I get why this is terrifying. What if your friend quits permanently and you have to do it alone? What if your friend is really hurt by the mere idea of you carrying on without them? What if this is The End for this particular project?

But the work is the work. If the work is going to continue, you need an agreement and a plan for how to move forward. There is no magic way that will happen with a guarantee that things won’t get messed up or without a possibly scary, possibly difficult conversation. You can’t just be nice and chill and cool at this until it gets better.

The plan itself can take many shapes:

1) You do the work alone for a while.

2) You do the work with a different collaborator.

3) You do different work, alone or with a different collaborator, but for the same audience.

4) You and friend have an honest conversation about commitment and priorities and you find out for sure what their needs and plans are.

5) You and friend decide to put the work on hiatus for a set period and revisit the discussion later.

6) You and friend make a plan to end the project, wrap up the story, etc. in a way that will be satisfying and respectful to the audience you’ve built and then you stick to that plan. (This is actually a great outcome to this problem in my opinion.)

So think about the plan(s) that you could live with and ask your friend where their priorities and hopes lie.

You’ve correctly identified that an argument based around “THIS PROJECT IS MY ONLY OUTLET & REASON FOR GETTING UP IN THE MORNING” is too much pressure to put on a collaborator (or a friend). Your friend doesn’t necessarily need to be privy to the entire FEELINGSCYCLE that’s in your head right now.

But trying to be cool when you’re not feeling cool is a recipe for disaster. You are allowed to have needs and to say that the project is important to you, and if your friend can’t contribute now, what does the future look like? If they say “Let’s go on hiatus for 3 months and regroup later,” that isn’t what you want to do, but it at least gives you a basis for making decisions about the future of the project and the friendship.

“Friend, I am becoming anxious that this break is the beginning of your permanent disengagement from the project. Is that what is happening, or is that my anxiety talking? If it’s the second, it would help me to have a set timeframe for when we can start working again. If it’s the first thing, then I think we both need to do some thinking, because I very much want both the project and our friendship to survive even if they don’t proceed together. I don’t want to pressure you, but I do need us to hammer out some kind of agreement on what happens for say, the next 3 months.”

Or, like we’ve suggested before in other conflict situations, ask a question.

“Friend, I don’t want to pressure you to work on this if your attention needs to be elsewhere or you need a break, but I also don’t want to lose more momentum. What do you think we should do? In an ideal situation, how would you like this to play out?”

That ask your friend to articulate a positive (what they want to happen) vs. a negative and takes the pressure off of you to manage and predict all of their feelings about it.

Collaborations and projects have their own life-cycle, and even the best relationships need breathing space and breaks, and even the best projects come to an end. You have a lot of things on your side. You have consistently output work to an appreciative audience. You have a friendship that is also a great collaboration. That all speaks well of your talent, your work ethic, and your strengths as a collaborator. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but if this project or this particular collaboration were to end or to go on a long break, all of those abilities that helped you create this project are still within you. This isn’t the only good idea you will ever have. You are a person who can make work and who can make friends who will make work with you. That won’t change even if this particular relationship does, so I hope in the middle of all the Jerkbrain’s chatter there is a voice saying “I am good at this work and this work is worth doing” because that is also the truth.

Every month(ish) I answer the questions people typed into search engines to find this blog. Except for adding punctuation, I don’t change the wording. Enjoy!

1. “Mother-in-law hates me. How do I tell her I’m pregnant?”

That sounds like a job for your spouse, her (presumably) son, who should be doing all or most of any communicating with his mom that needs doing.

2. “How to get a passive-aggressive man to talk to you?”

Pretend you don’t want to talk to him but make weird backhanded insults in his presence about how he shouldn’t talk to you, creating an endless loop of passive-aggression. He will be unable to resist your gambit.

“Your endless staircase of insinuation and feigned dislike reminds me of the much nicer one I have at Pemberley.”

Or try “Hey Steve, nice to see you. How are you today?” like you would with anyone else.

3. “My boyfriend passed away 7 months ago. When is it okay to date again?”

I am so very sorry for your loss. This is actually an easy question to answer in short form:

You are 100% the boss of when you start dating again. If you’re ready now, now is the time. If you need more time to grieve, take all the time you need. Don’t let anyone pressure you, don’t let anyone guilt you, either.

4. “These little old ladies want to be fucked in my phone number 530.”

How extremely specific, yet vague. We need details, son!

5. “He never read my Facebook message.”

He probably did, tho.

6. “My housemates complain about me having sex what can I do?”

Be quieter, is my guess, if it’s a noise complaint. Do it at your partner(s)’s house(s) more, if it’s a “but they’re always AROUND and using the shower when we need it and watching our TV and eating our food” complaint. Plan to move if it’s a “we are judgmental of the fact that you have sex at all or who you have sex with” complaint.

Living with housemates requires a certain amount of “I will just choose not to ever notice anything that happens in your room when your door is closed” attitude to make the social contract work. But housemates do actually have the right to say “I signed up to live with you, not you + another person who is always here” and ask you to pitch a road game once in a while if you have overnight guests more than 3-4 nights/week, and they do have a right to ask you to keep it down between certain hours.

7. “I had fight with mybf bcoz of short dress help.” and 8.”Why is he so mean to me?”

Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and get yourself to a safe place that’s Away From That Guy. I’m so sorry.

I’m reading this now (for blog discussion reasons, not personal ones, though it was pretty funny to have my boyfriend buy it for me from the bookstore where he works with “It’s for my girlfriend!”). It is very, very good and will help you see controlling & mean behaviors as part of an overall pattern of deliberate behavior, not anything that is your fault.

9. “Making letter for a friend that you cares about at the same time you mad at him somehow.”

If you don’t want to end or take a break from the friendship, keep the letter (or whatever communication you use) focused on the behavior that bugged you. And try, if you can, to keep it focused on the most recent instance of that behavior. “When you asked me to be your date to the party but were reading your phone/texting all night it really hurt my feelings” is better than “You are always on your phone when we hang out!“

10. “How to impress a teacher you have a crush on.”

Do your best work for the class, learn what you came to learn, and move on when the semester is over without confessing your feelings or putting your teacher in an extremely awkward position. Crushes can be motivating personally without ever having to be acted on or expressed, this is one of those kinds of crushes.

11. “Is being tipsy attractive?”

To other tipsy folks, at closing time. Is that who you want to attract?

12. “Do people with Aspergers hate being interrupted?”

While it varies from individual to individual, in my limited experience, they hate this somewhat less than many neurotypical folks do. If you can’t reliably depend on social cues or body language to know when someone wants to tune out from what you’re saying, and a function of your personality is that you can and want to talk for a long time about things that interest you, having a friend or a coworker say “Thank you for that info, but I have all I need now” or “Hey, can we talk about X instead of Y for a minute?” is actually helpful if done kindly. We’ve got a lot of readers who can shed more light on this for you.

I don’t have Aspergers, but I am a geek and a college teacher and can definitely natter on about things, and when I’m in The Talking Zone I definitely appreciate a kind redirection as well.

13. ” How to avoid being the rebound girl?”

Easy. Just make sure that you date someone only after they’ve dated at least one other person since their last breakup.

Only date people if they’ve dated someone else since their last breakup and you will guarantee that you will never be the rebound!

Sorry for the impossible logic problem. It’s because I’d like the idea of the “rebound” to go the way of the “friend zone”: AWAY.

These can be true statements:

“I was dating someone but it didn’t really go anywhere because they were just too hung up on their ex/not looking for anything serious right now/the timing was wrong.” 

This is the truer statement:

“I was dating someone but it didn’t really go anywhere because they didn’t want it to.” 

You can meet someone right after getting out of a serious relationship and, if you like them enough and everything clicks well enough, go right into another one. Or you can be a person who needs a lot of time to regroup after a breakup and doesn’t even want to think about dating anyone seriously…but some makeouts that remind you that you have a body can be nice, or going on a dating site to “see what happens” can be a nice reminder that you have options. These are the On The Rebound people you are keen to avoid, and you will know them by their avoidance of any talk about feelings or the future.

But you can think you are that second kind of person and intend to date casually, until meeting a person you really love shakes you out of that mode. And you can think you are that first kind of person….ready for loooooooooooove!!!!!!….but not get into anything serious because it takes a while for you to meet the right person. Which leaves us with: There are two kinds of people and they are both just…people.

If the other person is really into you, and you are really into them, the timing won’t matter so much. So risk it like you would any other potential love relationship, but also listen to what the other person is saying and pay attention to their actions like you would in pursuing any other potential love relationship. Believe them when they say stuff like  “I like you but I’m just not ready for another serious relationship right now” “Let’s keep this really casual” etc. and don’t try spackle those things over with your awesome chemistry or how well you *should* work on paper. Those statements translate as “I don’t want that kind of relationship with you.“

14. “What does it mean when a girl says that she likes you but we just cant be in a relationship right now?”

It means she’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you and wants to let you down gently, so she’s using what she thinks is a culturally-approved script to do so. Read it as “she is not attracted to me or interested in ever being my girlfriend,” grieve for what might have been, and don’t bring the topic up again.

15. “He says he feels a deep connection.”

….but? You guys can hear the “but,” right?

16. My girlfriend asked for no contact but can I wish her happy birthday?

No contact is no contact.

My question is, do you want to be involved with someone who doesn’t want any contact with you?

17. “Men who are too intense too soon.”

Let’s reframe and rephrase this.

“Men who like you way more than you like them.”

“Men who creep you out or alarm you with their attentions.”

“Men who try too hard to lock in a relationship before you are ready.”

“Men who don’t pay attention to reciprocity and who come on way too strong.”

“Men who are controlling and needy.”

“Men whose relationship style is not compatible with yours.”

“Too intense” at the beginning of a relationship is often a red flag for someone with violent and controlling tendencies. Listen to those instincts and strongly consider breaking ties with whoever inspired you to search for this.

18. “He dumped me and got angry when I refused to be friends.”

Let’s reframe and rephrase this:

“He made me sad but then immediately made me relieved to be free of him, forever.”

“He suddenly made it much easier for me to put the entire sad business behind me.”

“He thinks that only he gets to decide the terms of our relationship.”

19. “How can you tell if someone has a mean streak?”

They do or say enough mean things to inspire you to Google that question, is my guess.

20. “How to piss off someone who has to have the last word?”

Remove their audience and replace it with sweet, cold, delicious silence.

Hello Cap’n,

My good friend Alice recently got herself a boyfriend. I have two issues with this:
1) Even though I’ve never met him (it’s a long-distance relationship), and she’s never complained about him, I’m pretty sure he’s a typical Darth Vader boyfriend -because all of her ‘cute’ stories are actually really awful,
and 2) Every time my friend falls for a guy, she falls HARD, and becomes an entirely different person who doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her boyfriend.

A little background:

Alice has recently taken to saying that she and Bob have been in love since they were children; it would be more accurate to say they met when they were kids, when they were both living in India. They never actually dated or anything back then, but to hear her tell it, they were madly in love but never ‘made it official’ -which I take to mean (based on her tendency to greatly romanticize and assume anyone she likes reciprocates) that she had a huge crush on him, but they were platonic -which is actually better than the alternative, since when she and her family moved to Canada she was 12 and he was 16. They didn’t really keep in touch, only connecting a few times in the intervening years, but she would reminisce about him often. Last summer they got back in touch, ‘dated’ for a couple months, and broke it off.

Then, earlier this month, they started ‘dating’ again -and over the course of a week, she went from “It’s very new, we’re going slow and keeping it to ourselves” (not even wanting to tell me who she was dating, because he had told her not to) to “Our wedding will be in about a year” (no, he hasn’t proposed, she’s just assuming he will).

As to why I think he’s a Darth Vader Boyfriend:

With the exception of being mad at him for not answering her calls or emails for nearly a week (this is the reason for the previous breakup), she has never complained about him, but her ‘good’ stories are all actually awful. For example:

-When me and my (male) partner picked her up to hang out the last time she was dating Bob, Alice told us about how he’d instructed her to never get into a guy’s car or be alone with a guy -but that it was ok since I was there. My best-case scenario is that this was a joke on his part, but in my experience guys who make that kind of ‘joke’ aren’t really joking. To her, this is just Bob being caring & protective.

-Even long-distance, he’s being a huge time-suck and keeping her from important priorities like school (she’s a PhD student, really needs time for studying), sleep, and friends -she’s told me, as ‘evidence’ of how ‘sweet and caring’ he is, that he just won’t let her hang up on him in Skype and insists they keep talking when she wants to go to sleep, to the point she falls asleep on the couch with Skype still on. Similarly, the last time I had plans with Alice, she was extremely late, and explained that it was because he’d called her and gotten her all worked up about an invented crisis -kept her talking to him for over half an hour -before admitting it was made up and he’d been ‘trolling’ her. He knew, and she had reminded him, that she had plans with a friend.

-she describes him as a ‘lovable asshole’. What even. She also says that sometimes you just have to let him be an asshole for a while and talk himself down, without trying to reason with him or disagree with anything he says.

-When they broke up previously, she flirted with/dated another guy. Bob got mad at her for this, and has been guilting her over it -even though he fully admits he was f*cking someone else at that time.

-He tells her that she is special to him because, unlike ‘all the other girls’, she is ‘innocent’ -because she hasn’t had sex, has never sent him a dirty picture, etc. He compared her to an ex by saying that that ex had mentioned she enjoyed/was good at giving oral sex, and said that he “lost all respect for” that woman because of her comments. Again, he fully admits that he has had sex of all kinds with many different women. Alice believes in waiting til marriage for sex, but has recently started saying that when Bob moves closer she wants to have sex with him. I have no issues with her being sexual if she wants to, but I fear she simply feels she has to in order to ‘keep up’ with him, and also that since he outright stated he values her for her virginity that if she did sleep with him he would then break her heart.

-They apparently had a discussion about kids, and he got very upset that she doesn’t want as many as she does, and wouldn’t even discuss the idea of adoption (which is something Alice really wants). He went on to lay a guilt-trip on her about this, and to talk about how much he wants to ‘come home to’ a big house full of people -which to me implies he has a very different vision of their future then what I know Alice wants (she wants a small family, to work as a professor, and the freedom to travel often). That in itself could be worked out, but the fact he wouldn’t even listen to what she wants, especially early in the relationship, spells trouble.

-She cannot hear criticism of him, and gets very angry and defensive. This might be my own issues, but I am reminded strongly of myself when I was in a relationship that -in retrospect – could easily be classified as emotionally and sexually abusive. The not-letting-her-hang-up-on-Skype thing also strongly reminds me of that past relationship, and I worry that small similarities like this may be skewing my own perceptions.

Additionally, Bob is planning on moving to the US to be closer to Alice (though it will still be about a 10 hour drive -but Alice has somehow convinced herself it’ll only be 4 hours). I’m afraid if he does, Alice will feel obligated to stay with him forever and feel obligated to do whatever to make him happy, since he moved to a different continent for her. I’m also afraid he’ll convince her to move closer to his new city -which will put her far from all her friends and family, and force her to drop out of her PhD program.

For what it’s worth, my partner also thinks that Bob sounds like bad news, and is also getting frustrated with Alice’s unwillingness to discuss any other topic, so it’s not just me thinking this.

There’s a few other issues with the relationship, not all of which are Bob’s fault; such as, her defense of why this is actually a great relationship is that ‘he’s her dream guy, her ideal, the one that she always remembered and compared all of her relationships to’ -which actually sounds like a bad thing to me, like she’s got him built up in her head to some fantasy figure and isn’t seeing the real person. Which may be why she’s interpreting everything he does as being perfect and awesome. As well, since Alice is Indian and in her late 20s, she is feeling a lot of pressure from her family to get married soon. Alice jumping headfirst into a relationship is also her pattern, and not specific to Bob -I’ve seen her fall hard and become obsessive with other guys before, just not to this degree.

I know your normal advice for dealing with a friend’s Darth is to try to talk about other things, and when the subject comes up to ‘talk like a therapist’ -to disengage a bit, with ‘hmm’ and ‘how does that make you feel’, etc., but she just won’t talk about anything else. Not only will she get furious and start crying if I -however gently -try to point out that some of the things she’s saying don’t actually sound like a healthy relationship, she will carry on an entire conversation by herself if I don’t talk. Literally, the last time I had her over, she talked for over an hour with me not saying a word beyond the occasional ‘hm’ or ‘huh’, and nodding every so often. Both me and my partner attempted to change the subject at every opportunity, but she finds a way to bring everything back to Bob -after a brief lull I started talking about my new phone, and my partner and I steered the conversation to technology; she listened for less than two minutes and then started talking about how Bob likes his phone and Bob likes computers and Bob is so good with technology… We talked about a recent party, and how one person there was being very strange and rude (she’d been incredibly hostile to me for no apparent reason) and she instantly changed it to ‘Bob also thought that was rude, when I told him about it.’ And from there, every detail of her last conversation with Bob. She doesn’t even stop when she runs out of things to say -at one point, I lightly joked that she must have had too much wine because she was repeating the same Bob story for the third time that night, and she laughed but then continued. It’s getting to the point where I don’t know how to talk to Alice without getting immensely frustrated, and am left wondering what happened to my bright, caring, intelligent friend, who used to be fully capable of carrying on a pleasant conversation.

How can I try to make her see that this relationship is unhealthy? Am I just reading into things too much, possibly because of my own bad past relationship? Should I just wait for the relationship to unravel on its own? And how to I talk to her without jeopardizing the friendship -any idea on scripts I can use to try to make it clear I don’t want to talk about him anymore, without getting her on the defensive? Should I attempt to be supportive even though I hate everything I’ve heard about this guy (and it’s all coming from her)? Or should I speak my mind even though I know it’ll cause a fight?

Sincerely,

-missing my friendship

Dear Missing Your Friendship:

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I am reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? at the recommendation of many posters here, and from your friend’s description, “Bob” is sending up a red flag followed by a signal flare followed by 99 red balloons of potential badness.

• Not letting her sleep.
• Denigrating other women, focusing on sexual “purity.”
• Double standards around sex – her going on a date with another man during a time they were broken up is awful, but he is allowed to do whatever she wants.
• Inventing crises to capture her time and attention, delighting in control.
• The whole “lovable asshole” thing.

The whole thing just reeks of badness.

I’ve been doing this advice thing for a few years now, and I have developed a weird spidey-sense for doomed relationships (even if that doom is ‘you will most likely continue the relationship and be miserable for it’) and the rule is: The more a person argues that this is destiny (we’ve been in love since childhood, it’s written in the stars, I just know we are meant to be, we’re “soulmates,” etc.) the more the actual relationship will be a shitshow. Because when something is working, you don’t have to call in the forces of time and space to the witness stand. Update: Apparently science has something to say about this as well! Thanks, @sondosia.

Unfortunately, your power to influence anything that is happening is very small. As evidenced by her bringing everything back to what Bob would think of it and repeating Bob stories over and over – She has caught Bobness and I’m afraid it’s full-blown. Stage III, at least. This need to constantly talk about him, to be constantly validated around him is about many things, and not knowing your friend I can’t put my finger on the exact cocktail of stuff that’s going on. My guesses are:

• She is stalled in or disengaged from her studies.
• She is getting family pressure about getting married and getting restless about moving on to the next “stage” in life.
• She has dreams of being a professor, being married, being a mother, etc. but can’t quite picture the next steps of all of those things.
• Bob’s constant attention feels good to her and is hitting some ideal she has of how love is supposed to feel.
• In a messed up, uncertain world one person is offering her a script for what to do next – unfortunately that script is “be constantly available to me and under my thumb.” Right now, it feels better than “EEK the future is uncertain and maybe lonely!“
• But he’s not making her feel all the way good. Some part of her is awake and can see what is really happening. So she tries to talk that part of herself into the lovey-dovey-future-will-be-great-stuff. When someone is gaslighting you the way Bob is gaslighting Alice, they are trying to change your concept of reality to match their version. If Alice can convince others that the version of her & Bob’s story is the true one, then Bob’s version of the world gains new citizens. Having others who also believe in the Way of Bob will make it easier for her to live there without that tiny voice that says “But girl, you need SLEEP and also to be on time to things and also maybe you don’t want 12 kids and maybe you want to finish this degree that you started?” butting in to ruin the fantasy. This is why she is working so hard to propagate his opinions of everything.

It’s like In A Wrinkle In Time, when Charles Wallace gets absorbed into IT and then fights to stay there. Alice will fight any attempt to take her out of the reality where things feel good(ish) and where she is the center of someone’s attention and receiving the perceived rewards for conforming to the “get married and have kids” metanarrative that her family raised her with. Charles Wallace fought Meg when she took him out, and he was hateful and angry afterward and needed some deprogramming before he could be around her. I’m so sorry that you, as a caring friend, are in that position and I’m so sorry that the best case scenario (where they break up) means heartbreak for your friend.

This isn’t comforting, but I think literally anything that you do here is going to cause a fight. “Hey, can we take a break from talking about Bob tonight?” to just changing the subject “I want to hear about your research. Or that TV show we like. Or, what are you reading lately?” ==> you are challenging Bob’s place at the center of her life ==> You are activating some triggers that Bob has planted about how other people will try to control her and no one can control who she loves !!!!!!!!!! (except…Bob) ==> It plays into Bob’s hands and isolates her further from a voice of reason.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do these things. Someone who can literally only talk about one subject to the point of repeating stories over and over during the same party and relating literally every other topic to that subject is irritating to be around. As another person at that party you’re within bounds to say “That story is as hilarious the third time as it was the first time! Actually, not really, though. Let’s get your drunk ass home!” In the day to day, it is okay to set boundaries like that and continually enforce them. You don’t have to talk about the Bob thing as a whole, maybe just keep it focused on her behaviors. I try to maintain a two-or-three-redirects-and-we’re-done-for-the-day rule for boundary tromping conversations. That could look like this, initially:

You: “How was the movie the other day?”

Alice: “I liked it, and Bob thought….”

You: “Hey, do you realize that whenever I ask what you think, you tell me what Bob thinks? It’s weird. What’s up with that?”

Alice: “Okay…” or “I don’t really do that, do I?”

You: “Yeah, you do. But let’s talk about the movie, what part did you like best?”

Alice: “I liked this scene, but Bob said that….”

You: “Ha, you just did it again. I don’t want to make you self-conscious, but could we skip Bob’s opinions for today? I just want to talk to my friend. NO BOYS ALLOWED.”

Alice: “I don’t think I do that. That’s not fair, etc! That’s just what Bob said you would say! You just can’t be happy for me!” (etc. etc.)

You: “Okaaaaay, how did we get from me asking you, my funny brilliant friend, your opinion of a movie to talking about Bob yet again?“

Alice: More along the lines of “That’s not fair, etc.!” “We’re long distance, so you can’t meet him, whereas I hang out with your partner all the time”, etc. etc.

You: “Listen, I’m honestly not trying to dig into your Bobfeelings, but this behavior, where he becomes part of literally every conversation is making me annoyed. That’s not Bob, or how I feel about Bob, that is a thing that you, my friend, are doing, and it bugs me. I don’t want to fight, but please think about what I said.”

And then exit the conversation and cool off for a bit. She’ll be hurt and mad for a bit. She will most likely go repeat everything to Bob, who will spin it as you not being a supportive friend. There’s nothing you can do about that, honestly. It’s part of a cycle. Just, try again another day. If you can stop her before she gets super into the cycle of talking about him you can at least preserve some of your own equilibrium. You can also say what you think when she tells a story where does something rude or weird, without qualifying it. “That sounds not okay and kind of creepy to me.” You don’t have to lie to her, and that might be enough to get her to change the subject away from Bob even if it’s just to avoid things she doesn’t want to hear.

Another thing you can do is to develop a mantra, along the lines of “I don’t really get the whole Bob thing – especially when you describe him as a ‘loveable asshole.’ In my perfect world my beautiful friend is with someone we don’t describe as any kind of asshole. But anything’s possible, and maybe it’s just because I haven’t met him. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you, and you’ll have to trust me on that the way I will have to trust you that this guy is as cool as you say. But right now I need to talk about ________.“

• “But right now I need to talk about how we had an appointment and you missed it and didn’t call or text to say why. That’s not like you, and it worried me and hurt my feelings.”
• “But right now I want to hear how your research is going. You haven’t talked about it in a while. How are things at school?” “What does your advisor say?”
• “But right now, I want to talk about those dark circles under your eyes. When was the last time you had a checkup?
• “But right now I want to talk about something that’s going on in my life, and I want your perspective, not the opinion of some dude I haven’t even met yet. Actually, I’d prefer that you not tell confidential/personal stuff that I tell you to Bob. Can you agree to that boundary?”
• “But right now, I want to tell you that you talk about Bob to me more than my comfort level can handle. As a favor to me, would you go to a couple appointments with the school counselor? You can get a sympathetic audience and a fresh ear, and our friendship can get a break from having Bob at the center of our conversations.”

These might not work to change her mind about anything. She might not do anything you suggest, like go to the doctor or the school counselor or her advisor. These might not work to keep the peace between you. But they do involve you speaking up for yourself within your friendship about a) how you deserve to be treated and b) in a way that is caring to your friend. And I think that being silent is hurting you, the Letter Writer. So if I can give you some ways to not be silent anymore we will have accomplished something today.

I have some other guesses about this situation.

• Bob most likely has other women on the hook, other women who think they are in a serious relationship with him, other women he sleeps with, etc. Is he considered a “catch” in his home country? (family connections, good looks, money, high level of education, etc.) It’s possible he’s got the same pressures to settle down, and a parade of eligible women being brought by their parents for tea, and Alice is as much a distraction for him as he is for her, i.e. a way to appear to be making progress on that front without actually having to do anything about it.
• If you’re lucky, he may get bored with Alice and turn to tormenting/gaslighting one of those women if she seems more readily available due to geography/willingness to sleep with him. A poor sort of “luck,” but these dudes don’t generally give up the spigot of constant affirmation and attention they get from their victims without having another one lined up.
• I dealt with someone like this, without the overtly abusive/controlling parts. He was seemingly obsessed with me at a distance, full of plans for the future and reassurances and attention, but became a puff of smoke once we were in enough proximity to actually date. It’s possible that Bob’s facade only works at a great distance and will fall apart quickly if he actually moves (either he will vanish like The Daemon Lover, or he will be revealed to be a complete loser and liar upon closer examination). This will be heartbreaking for your friend, but it’s something to be hoped for.

These guesses aren’t necessarily useful for your friend, but file them away when you start to despair as you wait for things to implode.

So, I want to talk about what it might look like if you totally leveled with your friend the way you have with us. I don’t know any successful stories of this working out where the friendship survives in great form and the bad relationship vanishes and without lots of hurt feelings on the way. But let’s map it out and see what it might look like in case you need to hit the big red button on the situation, like, for instance, he actually does come to the U.S. or his behaviors and her emotional state seem to worsen.

What if you gave your friend a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s book, and told her, straight up in a letter:

“Alice, a lot of the stories you tell me about Bob are not endearing or cute to me, they are actually frightening because they remind me of stories in this book about abusive and controlling men and about my own relationship with an abusive and controlling man. For example the thing where he invented a crisis to keep you on the phone is very scary and not normal to me. It’s not normal for someone to police his girlfriend’s interactions with other men the way he seems to with you, but then have a double standard about his own interactions with women. It’s not normal behavior for you, my brilliant friend, to be able to talk about nothing else but boyfriend. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be loved the way you deserve, but it seems to me that you and Bob want very different things (like # of children), and sometimes great feelings of love don’t always mean great compatibility or the ability to make a happy life with someone. Will you promise to a) read this book  b) go talk to the school counselor about whatever feelings it brings up for you? If you will promise to do that, I promise that if Bob comes here I will try to get to know him for his own sake, with a clean slate.”

Keep this one for a follow-up, especially if she is defensive and resistant (she will be defensive and resistant):

“I would love nothing more than to be totally wrong about this – I know I am getting all of this second-hand, and I don’t know him like you do. Because of what I went through with (Ex), I feel very strongly about this, and because I love and care for you, I would risk anything, including making you angry, if it could prevent you from suffering what I went through. If you read the book and decide that it has nothing to do with your relationship, that will give you peace of mind, and you can spend your time at the counselor’s office kvetching about your intrusive friend who has no boundaries. At least the book will give you insight into my history and tell you why I have not embraced Bob the way you want me to. If you can promise to do this for me, it will give me enough peace of mind that I promise I won’t harp on the topic again.”

And then maybe prepare for the very sad end of your friendship as she marries this jerksmuggle, because that is a real possibility.

Finally, I want to address the thing you say in your letter about your own past with a relationship like this. “Am I just reading into things too much, possibly because of my own bad past relationship?” People always want to write off a past history of abuse as unfair “bias”, like, “Well, she’s just saying that because of her own history, so she’s biased and unfair, you can’t expect her to be truly impartial.“

Like “impartiality” and “fairness” is the greatest thing we owe one another when we witness a friend being harassed and browbeaten by someone.

Like abuse doesn’t follow recognizable & predictable patterns and our perception of it must be reinvented from scratch each time we see it happen.

Like our own experiences as witnesses to those patterns somehow make us less believable, less reliable.

Like all of this mistrust of our experiences and pressure to be impartial isn’t deeply, deeply gendered.

I don’t know what will happen to Alice and Bob, but I do know what what you survived made you more able to see what is happening to your friend and gave you more insight and authority. I need the idea that someone who has survived an abusive relationship is somehow less able, less likely, or less reliable in recognizing abuse when it happens to others to die. In a fire.

Come ride my horse made of equal parts fury and disdain for abusers and the culture that enables them by trivializing the experiences of victims.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I used to have a really close friend who I’ll call A. A and I went to the same middle school, high school, and college, and for several years we talked online together almost every day. Then, about two years ago, she stopped talking to me. At first, I thought she was busy (since she’d just graduated from college and was looking for a new job), so I tried sending her messages and things, but she never responded. I spent about a year trying to figure out what was going on, but I never really figured anything out until A finally sent me a message completely out of the blue. A had sent that message because, on tumblr, I’d reblogged a post that A’s friend had made about a sensitive subject, and A wanted me to delete it.

I had no problem with deleting the post, so I went ahead and did that, and I also took that as an opportunity to ask her, “Are we still friends? It’s been about a year since we’ve talked, and I don’t know why.” A never directly responded, but she did make a vague tumblr post about how it had been a year since she’d realized she was a lesbian, and she put a lot of emphasis on stating that it had been one year. So my best guess is that A realized that she had a crush on me, and instead of talking to me about it, she decided to cut off communication with me completely. I’m actually not straight either, but I never got a chance to talk to her about that, so I guess A never knew.

At that point, I still would have liked to be friends with her, but I decided that if she wasn’t willing to talk to me, then we really weren’t friends in the first place. So, I deleted the tumblr blog that A knew about and made a new one, and otherwise I just avoid her online. I don’t really check Facebook anymore, because I inevitably see something she’s said to one of my old friends or something like that and I just get upset.

It’s been about a year since I gave up on talking to A. I spent a while being really upset and randomly crying and so on, but after a while I thought I’d gotten over all of this.

Earlier tonight, I randomly found something that A had written. Pretty soon, I just started sobbing.

She was my best friend – at times my only friend – for almost a decade, and then she suddenly shut me out. I don’t really know what to do now. I’ve tried to find new friends, but I’m very socially anxious and I’ve never been good at talking to people, so nothing I’ve tried has worked out at all. After college, I had to move back in with my parents in a very small town, so there aren’t very many people my age in the area. I basically don’t have any friends anymore, and I feel very isolated and alone, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Thanks,
Lost and Lonely

Dear Lost and Lonely,

I’m so sorry you are having to mourn the death of a close friendship at the same time you are navigating isolation. There is no shortcut for dealing with all of this, but there are some steps that with time and effort may work to help you grieve the loss of your friendship with A. and start to make new friends.

As for “A”:

• Block her on social media. On Facebook, this means that even if she participates in discussions with your friends, you won’t see her comments or their comments on her feed. She won’t see yours. She will stop existing for you there. That means that you can still use the site to connect with your people. Reclaim the social part of social media from this one person!
• Get the feelings out. Write her a long, long letter pouring out all of your feelings. Don’t send it. Dispose of it ritually by burning it. Or give it to a friend to hold onto for you. Do something to get the feelings out of your head and then get the evidence of those feelings out of your physical and mental space. You are metaphorically holding a funeral for that friendship and its potential.
• Assign the responsibility for what happened between you where it belongs: with her. Whatever she was going through personally, whatever made her decide to stop being your friend was her right. But it was cruel to just dissolve the friendship by freezing you out. Even just telling you “I need some space from our friendship and do not want to be in contact for a while” would have given you some information you could use and saved both of you the period of time where you reached out and she got (presumably) annoyed by that. And I think it was up to the person whose post you re-blogged (vs. A.) to tell you whether that was okay or not, not A. to reach out only to tell you you messed up and then disappear again. Message: “I’m still sort of paying attention to what you do, just, not enough to want to actually talk to you.” If you want to cut off contact with someone, fine, but you don’t get to pop up at intervals that suit you and tell them how to act. That’s on A., not you.
• Come up with the briefest possible story for what happened between you. “A. was my close friend, but she decided to drop the friendship without telling me why. It really hurt my feelings when she left, and it really bugged me to never get a good explanation for what happened, but ultimately it’s out of my hands.” If anyone who used to know you both asks, you now have an answer. You don’t have to pretend that it didn’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have to offer reasons for why it happened – you’re allowed to say “Who the fuck knows? It wasn’t my decision.” If you start finding yourself cycling through your history together, you have a way to skip to the end without making yourself live through every detail again.

Now, we can’t tell you how to make friends, but we can tell you steps to take to meet new people and hopefully diminish the isolation you are feeling now. Living in a smaller place or more remote area makes it more challenging to meet people, but it can still be done. We’ve covered ways to adjust to living with parents after being away from home, and we’ve also covered a lot of the steps for meeting people before on the blog. They don’t really change, so I’m not going to elaborate on all of them in this post, but I will list them again.

• Volunteer.
• If you’re religious at all, and you can find a queer-friendly church, go to church. If churches where you live are unfriendly to LGBTQ folk, avoid church like the plague. Nothing will make you feel more isolated than being surrounded by smiling well-dressed people who believe hateful things about your basic humanity.
• If you can and you’d like to, take a class in something.
• If you can and you like to, find a sports league to play in or a regular exercise class to go to.
• If you have a hobby or interest, see if there are local groups that support that interest.
• Look for community and interaction with like-minded folks online. You know about our forums, right?
• Find a local bar or coffee shop or library and become a regular at it, even if all you do for right now is read a book when you go.
• I mentioned “volunteer”, right? SERIOUSLY, VOLUNTEER. You can’t not meet people that way.
• Look outside your own age group. Once people are out of school, the artificial warehousing of individuals by age ends. It’s awesome to have friends who are direct peers, for sure, but at 40 my friends are anywhere from 22-60ish and I am glad for it.

It’s easy to grow up in a small town, go off to school and think perpetually of your hometown as a place where there is “nothing to do.” Believe me, my high school best friend and I ceremonially shook the actual dust of our town from our actual feet and pinky-swore never to move back there when we graduated. This was us, more or less:

But actual people live actual awesome lives in our little town. We didn’t see it because we didn’t see beyond our immediate peer groups when we lived there. We weren’t navigating the place as adults, with jobs and our own money and no curfew and a need to look beyond the high school for stuff to do or people to meet.

This is my hometown. It’s not an ethnically or culturally diverse place, to be sure. But there is stuff to do there. A quick search turns up a ton of stuff to do:

• Play role-playing games at Ye Olde Commons. You guys know if this had existed when I was a kid I would have been there Every. Single. Day.
• Hike or volunteer at the cool nature sanctuary or help out at an environmental non-profit.
• Work on preserving and appreciating all the cool historical stuff nearby.
• Go to and/or work on various arts and crafts events. How did I not know about Open Mic Night?
• There is a food bank, called CHIP-IN (Charlton Helping Its People In Need) that I went to some of the very first meetings for when I was in high school and my friend’s mom was a Selectwoman. It’s still a thing! So cool!
• There’s an animal rescue group, a friends-of-seniors group, and a general volunteer group.
• A community theater group with a hilarious name!
• An outpost of Toastmasters International.
• Being queer in a small town where everyone seems old and straight and married is rough. Looks like my town has a LGBTQ* support group and some friendly therapists, though you’ve got to drive 20 minutes for a gay bar scene. Maybe yours has a similar setup?
• Meetup.com isn’t just for cities. There are a jillion groups active within a 20-30 minute drive.

So, the point of all that is: Somewhere in your town, or in the next town over, there will be nerds doing what nerds always do: Getting together and making awesome nerdy stuff happen. And the people who run these groups are happy to make newcomers feel welcome. Even if you are not an extrovert. Even if you are shy. Even if you are younger than everyone else. If you go to the Nerdy Town Thing, someone at the Thing will say hello to you, be genuinely glad to see you, try to introduce you to other people, remember your name and be psyched when you show up the next time. Because the people who run such things like being the people who host events and introduce people to other people. You don’t have to be good at that stuff, you just have to show up and appreciate what they do.

Making close friends will happen in its own time. Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe it will happen 2 years from now when you’ve moved out of your parents’ house and into an area with more queer folks and more young folks. But decreasing your sense of isolation can be done.

• Find the nerds who are doing cool stuff near you.
• Go to their stuff.
• Try to find something that meets weekly, so it can be a routine.
• If you don’t immediately love it, try to go back at least 3 times before you make a final decision about whether to keep doing it. Sometimes people suck, or the activity is not fun, but sometimes it’s just nerves/newness and it’s a good life skill to be able to sort out the difference.
• If someone creeps on you, tell the organizer. If the organizer doesn’t address it, break the above rule, for sure.
• If you don’t find something you like immediately, go to more/different stuff.
• Take lots of breaks – if it starts to feel exhausting or like a chore rather than an enjoyable adventure, pull back for a few weeks and give yourself a break. Then try again.
• Repeat until you find something you like. If it turns out you never like anything, work extra hard on plans to move away. The skills you developed in meeting new people and putting yourself out there will serve you wherever you go.

Moving to a huge city where I didn’t really know anyone, taking my own advice, it took me over one year to make real friends and over two years to have what I’d call a social group. Two years of saying yes to invitations, making myself to places by myself, going to meetings of clubs, volunteering for stuff, creating little adventures for myself by finding cool local events, looking for friendly faces, etc. Sometimes it was as lonely and discouraging as hell.

So, this is big. When you feel lonely and needy and isolated, and you make the effort to go somewhere, and you don’t really find anyone you connect with, it’s very easy to weave it into the story of loneliness and failure that you’re experience, a.k.a. Well I TRIED and it DIDN’T WORK and now there’s PROOF.

You have to actively fight against that mentality. It’s not fair. It’s exhausting. But every time you go to a thing and/or talk to a new person, make sure you congratulate and reward yourself for your efforts. Write it down in a journal somewhere. Give yourself a gold star. Tell yourself a different story, one that goes like this: You are doing good things to take care of yourself! You are learning the skill of meeting new people and building a social life as an adult, and that is something that a lot of people need if the volume of questions I get here is any indication. You are learning to find people you connect with; one part of that is figuring out where you don’t belong. Tell yourself that you put on clean clothes and showered and you tried. You saw a terrible band at the local anarchist collective and ate the worst food of your life at the vegan potluck and you listened to crabby Old Farmer Olsen talk about his hip pains for the 1700th time, and even if he didn’t really appreciate it, his wife had a good time not having to deal with him and getting to talk to some new people for a change. You helped give food to people who really need it. You marked trails for hikers who will appreciate not being lost. You petted kittens and puppies who need homes. You learned a new expansion pack of a board game. You gave your parents some alone time without having their roommate underfoot. You are doing the best you can. You are learning new skills. You are finding new interests and strengths. You are doing your best to take your place among your fellow humans. That’s all you can control, and the rest is up to luck.

Now, let’s circle back to A. When you have one person who has embodied the concept of friendship for you, and you lose that friend, it’s hard not to correlate the whole idea of friendship with A., and subsequently with betrayal and loss. I can’t say that you’ll never lose a friend again. But I can say that A. does not equal everyone. Grieve for A., say goodbye to A., and then try to leave the story of A. at home when you go out to meet new people. If you have intrusive thoughts of A., and the hurt you suffered when she left seems to be always with you, please seek the help of a pro to help you learn strategies for diminishing the power of those memories over your current life. A. is part of your story, but she’s not the whole story. It sounds like you were a true and good friend to her. I think some lucky person in your future will see and appreciate those qualities the way you deserve.

Thanks (?) to the nice Twitter friends who clued me into this horrible WikiHow on How To Stop A Wedding, or, as @KristinMuH put it, “a manual to help stalkers ruin their target’s special occasions.”

While I once joked that I would like to see this happen someday, it was, in fact, a joke. And the instructions to basically kidnap the person make my hair stand on end:

Take charge if things go your way. If he or she decides not to go through with the wedding, it is your duty to immediately escort the bride/groom away from the pressure of their family and friends. There is no doubt that friends and family will be angry or furious and will demand answers if the bride or groom doesn’t immediately flee the scene…Have a get-away car prepared so that the bride or groom doesn’t have to face the embarrassment of his or her friends and family.

EEK!

So, if you find yourself searching for instructions on how to stop a wedding, ask yourself:

Has the affianced person been kidnapped? Is it a child? Then stop the wedding by alerting the appropriate authorities.

Is this someone you think should marry you instead? And they know how you feel? And yet they are still obstinately not marrying you, to the point where they have planned an entire wedding with someone else? Okay, here’s what you do:

• Find out when & where the wedding will be.
• Book yourself a vacation to “anywhere but there.”
• Block this person in all social media spaces so you’re not seeing photos and updates.
• Try for someplace with very limited internet access so you reduce temptation to watch it unfold on real time at the wedding hashtag or whatever.
• If you can, get a trusted friend to go along with you so that you are not alone and there is someone who can comfort and distract you.
• Remind yourself that soulmates aren’t real, and that other people get to choose who they want to be with.
• Or, if it’s more comforting, say to yourself “They are making a mistake, but it’s their mistake to make.“
• Wait it the fuck out and move on with your life.

And if someone pulls this whole shebang on you at your wedding, here is a script:

“This is inappropriate and I’d like you to leave now.”

Hopefully your friends and family and security will form a nice barrier between you and this person and make sure they are escorted from the premises.

Now it’s time for the monthly(ish) feature where we find out what search terms bring people to this site! Except for adding punctuation, these are unchanged. Enjoy!

1. “My sister in law hates me what do I do?”

You don’t really have the power to make someone like you if they don’t, but you do have some power here.

Do you know why, as in, does it stem from a specific incident or slight? If you were in the wrong about something, apologize once, and then go for distant-but-civil at family gatherings where you can’t avoid her until or unless she approaches you.

If you don’t know why, maybe ask her once (or have your spouse do it, if s/he is closer to her) about what’s going on. “Have I done something to upset you? If there is a way I can make amends, I’d very much like to know.“

If she tells you the truth, you’ll at least know what’s up and see if there is a way to make amends.

If she says something like “You should know what you did” then it’s a good sign that she’s not really interested in clearing anything up. That is good information; it means there is nothing you can really do, so go with distant-but-civil when you have to encounter her and spend your precious energy connecting with other people in the family.

2. “Should parents talk to kids about marital problems?”

Kids need to know stuff that 1) directly affects them 2) when there is something concrete to tell, like, “we’re getting a divorce” or “X parent is moving out for a while.” “We’re having problems and trying to decide what to do” = anxiety inducing!

Other than that, I don’t think kids are the right audience for marital ups and downs. Talk to friends, talk to a trusted counselor. Don’t lean on your kids about this topic. In abusive situations, safety comes first, and there might be no safe amount of contact with an abusive parent. But absent abuse, kids have a relationship with their parent that is entwined with but distinct the parents’ relationships with each other.

3. “What does it mean if a guy kisses you when he’s drunk?”

Do you like this guy? Try hanging out with him when he’s not drunk and find out if kissing is still on the agenda. Script: “I really enjoyed kissing you the other night. Want to try that sometime when we’re not drunk? I’d love to hang out with you again.“

There is a chance he will give you a sheepish “Yeaaaah, about that…” rejection, but trust me, it’s better than trying to read Weird Drunk Dude Cues for the next precious months of precious spring and summer.

4. “What does it mean when a guy kisses you when he’s drunk but not when sober?”

Aha! He likes kissing but not necessarily kissing you, specifically. Do you like him? See above. Just find out from the person who knows, aka, that specific guy and not Guys In General.

Do you know in your heart of hearts that these are meaningless drunken kisses? Are you okay with that? There’s nothing wrong with fun drunk makeouts.  But if you aren’t feeling good about this, stop kissing him, drunk OR sober. Read this (sexually graphic) speech by Amy Schumer about how you are much cooler than making out with drunk guys who don’t really like you that much. Because you are.

4. “Girlfriend doesn’t sleep with me but has with others.” 

This question is potentially the tip of an extremely ooky iceberg of sexism and entitlement, especially if you’re thinking about those Others, dwelling on them, imagining them, retroactively jealous of them, looking at them as proof that your girlfriend should be sleeping with you, etc. If you’re doing that, stop it! Each person, each relationship, each sex partner, etc. is a universe unto themselves. The clock on what you want to do with someone completely resets with each new person you are with, and having done certain things with someone in the past doesn’t make those things automatically “on the menu” going forward.

Your girlfriend will sleep with you (or not) when and if she is ready and wants to (or not). Do you like her and care about her? Do you want the relationship to go to a sexy place someday? Then make it clear to her that you’d be up for that when and if she’s ready. Don’t bring it up again until she does. And go on enjoying your relationship in the present moment for what it offers you.

If over a little bit of time you feel like the issue is one of attraction, as in, she is not attracted to you, or you do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you, then consider splitting up so you can both find people who are more compatible. Don’t do it in a pressure-y way, though, like, “If you won’t have sex with me I’ll have to dump you.” More like, “I care about you, but I think it’s time we ended our romantic relationship.“

This is tricky to navigate. I hope you can both do it gracefully. And never bring up those Others! Never do it. They aren’t your business.

5. “My guy friend is dating a bitch.”

Does she treat him well? Is he happy? In other words, is she an okay girlfriend to him but the two of you don’t gel together? Then minimize how much time you spend with both of them together and otherwise ride it out. Things might get better, or they might break up, but there’s nothing to be gained from getting in the middle of it.

If she doesn’t treat him well, if she is mean and controlling, if he seems drained and diminished when he’s with her, then make sure you ask him how he’s doing a lot and make time to spend with him (away from her). Stay in his life and be a person who cares about him. If he complains about her or raises concerns about her with you, you have an opening to say what’s on your mind one time. Avoid words like “bitch,” just say “That story makes me sad, do you think it’s okay for her to treat you that way?” or “I don’t know her well enough to comment, but you seem anxious and sad a lot of the time when y0u’re with her, and that concerns me.” Or if she’s been mean to you, specifically, bring that up. “I know you really like her, but she is cold and rude to me so I don’t like hanging out with you both together.” Be specific and brief.

In my experience, when people are in love they don’t want to listen to advice form their friends about how to run their relationships, so if the friendship is valuable to you tread with caution. Don’t put him in the position of having to defend her to you. And don’t harp on it – if he gives you an opening, bring it up once, but end the conversation with “I want you to be happy and I trust you to know what’s best for you.“

6. “I’m a 28-year-old virgin. Will sex hurt the first time?”

I can’t answer that for you, since I don’t live in your body, but I can recommend:

• Masturbation. Learning to love yourself is in fact The Greatest Love of All.
• Advanced Masturbation: Experiment with toys and also with lubrication (go to a friendly sex shop like Early To Bed, they’ll talk you through what you need to know).
• Have your partner start with fingers/do lots of foreplay together, long before/many times before attempting penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex (if that is indeed the kind of sex you are worried/writing about).
• Choose a partner who really excites and turns you on and makes you excited to try things out with them.
• Choose a partner you can trust to go slow and/or stop if things do hurt you.

That will give you a head start on making the whole thing super-fun and enjoyable. It’s normal to be nervous before the first time you have sex. Even if you’ve had sex a million times, it’s normal to be nervous the first time you have sex with a new partner.

7. “What to do if I am in love with my best friend?” (there were many variations on this one)

Is this friend single? If so, try this: “Friend, I really care about you, and sometimes I think about what would happen if we dated. Do you ever think about that?” Or, “Friend, I think I am developing romantic feelings for you. Would you be open to going on some dates with me and seeing where it leads?”

See what they say. I would stay away from declarations of love to start out with. It’s too much pressure. Start with raising the possibility. Open the door and see if they walk through it. If they do, great!

If they say “I’m so sorry, I don’t feel that way about you” say “Okay, I understand. I had to ask.” Then, if you need to, take a little break from seeing them while you grieve what might-have-been. You can say that, in fact. “I want us to keep being friends, but I need a little time to knit my dignity back together before we hang out again without feeling weird.” DON’T interrupt their wedding or do big dramatic gestures to change their minds! A true friend might feel momentarily awkward or guilty for not returning the feelings, but the friendship can and will survive a moment of honesty like this as long as you don’t creep on them or keep bringing it up.

Is the friend involved with someone else? Maybe hang back and look for someone else to crush on.

8. “When boyfriend is unemployed and treats you like shit.” 

Consider reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” (maybe not where your boyfriend can see it, though!).

Lots of unemployed men don’t treat their partners “like shit,” so see it for the excuse that it is and hopefully get yourself out of there before it gets worse. I don’t care what is going on with your boyfriend’s life; you don’t deserve being mistreated. <3 and best wishes to you.

9. “What does it mean if someone says,’Sometimes i feel lonely when you are by my side?’”

You can ask whoever said this to you to give you specific examples of things that would help them feel less lonely, but on the whole this is a request for more of your attention. So maybe look at ways that you can be more present with them.

• Are you on the computer or your phone when you spend time together? Or playing video games/watching movies? Try unplugging for a while when you spend time together.
• Are they the ones who are making the bulk of plans for you to spend time together? Maybe take on more of the planning/initiating of plans.
• Are you tuning out when they talk because you think you already know what they’ll say? Work on that.

Readers have said that getting some meaningful, close contact right when a partner comes home can make them feel more valued and loved, so see if it makes a difference to give the person your full attention (a hug, asking them how their day was, fully focusing on them) for a few minutes right when you first see them. These little things can make a big difference.

10. “What to do when a man slow fades.”

Fast fade right back! Don’t initiate contact with them, don’t keep time slots open for them. People who like you will act like they like you. Don’t prioritize someone who isn’t doing the same for you. Put your energy into people who like you and give you their time and attention.

11. “I graduated with a degree that I hate.” 

No one believes me when I say this, but I’ll try again, since graduation season in upon us:

You are not your degree, or your college major. You can choose to work in an entirely different field from the one you studied in, and studying something at university usually does not lead directly to a job in that field.

Congratulations on completing a degree! That is an accomplishment you should be proud of no matter where it leads. If you are just entering the work force, look for companies you might like to work for, and try to get into them in any kind of entry-level position. Don’t worry about the title too much. Just start working and then see what interests you from there.

12. “Can rapists ever have redemption?”

Wow. That’s a big one.

I don’t believe in redemption (in the religious sense of that word). I don’t believe that survivors and communities have an obligation to forgive or EVER welcome people back just because that person has gone through the motions of trying to change. God (for people who believe in God) may forgive all sins, but that doesn’t mean that survivors have to tolerate or welcome their abusers or that communities have to allow known predators back into the fold. Which isn’t exactly motivating to the person who searched for this question. But, it doesn’t mean that rapists shouldn’t bother trying to reform their ways.

Any path to “redemption” for a rapist probably starts here:

• Admit what you did. To yourself. To a counselor. Don’t make excuses.
• If there is a criminal case, admit what you did to the court and don’t put the victim through the horrors of a trial. Accept your sentence and serve your time. “Technically Not Guilty because I put you through a trial, but really, really sorry” = “You are still a raping shitbeast.”
• If there is a civil case, admit what you did and pay reparations.
• Work with a counselor (or other program for violent offenders) to figure out what “making amends” would look like. A written apology and admission of the truth might help some victims and might terrify others because you contacted them. It’s up to the victim if they ever want to read or accept your apology and they have the last word about anything that happens next.
• STEER CLEAR of your victim and of social spaces where they are likely to be, FOR THE REST OF TIME. You gave up your claims to certain cons, certain parties, certain places/bars/pubs, and certain friend groups when you raped someone. There is no amount of apology or amends you could make that would make you welcome in those places or make your victim feel safe knowing you might be nearby. The best contribution you could make to the social scene you were part of when you committed the rape is your permanent absence from it. There doesn’t have to be a criminal case for this to be true. Seriously, GTFO of places where your victim will be. “You never have to see or hear from me or about me again” is a gift that it is within your power to give.
  • Are you in college? Does your victim go to that same college? TRANSFER TO A DIFFERENT FUCKING COLLEGE. NOW. You leave. You find a new place to be. Consider online education where you won’t be around people in person.
  • Do you and your victim work together? TIME FOR A NEW JOB, THEN. Quit your job. Today. The resulting economic stresses should be on you.
• STEER CLEAR of alcohol, drugs, and situations where you might conceivably harm someone again. Consistently and proactively treat your issues, whatever they are.
• Be someone who looks out for other people in sketchy situations. Be someone who doesn’t laugh at rape jokes. Be someone who believes survivors and who advocates for women’s health and safety. Don’t vote for politicians who trivialize or deny rape.
• Recognize that forgiveness from your victim or from the world is not a realistic goal. Recognize that some people may never trust you because of what happened.

This list is literally the least you can do to try to knit the world back together after what you did. Time will heal some but not all, and that’s how it should be.

13. “My mom is obsessed with my weight.” 

Mine too, friend. Mine too. Tell her you won’t discuss the topic with her. It took me a long time to get my mom to stop bringing it up with me. I had to say stuff like “Just because you hate your body doesn’t mean I hate mine” or “This is not a safe topic for me to discuss with you” or “I don’t actually want or value your opinion on this topic, so stop now.” See also “That is something I discuss only with my doctor.” And then I had to leave a lot of conversations and rooms to drive the point home. I had to set and enforce rules that said  “Bring that up after I’ve asked you not to and I will stop talking to you at all.“

I thought things were better, but on our last visit home this spring she ambushed my boyfriend with her “concerns.” He shut her down for me. (That happened once and won’t be happening again, FYI, because if it does we will leave). So I don’t have an easy, permanent solution. People are hard. She has so many of her own issues around this stuff, and I try really hard to be compassionate and remind myself that it’s not about me, but sometimes I just need to peace the fuck out and shield myself from listening to it.

As you learn to reset boundaries with your mom, shore yourself up with resources like: The Shapely Prose archive, Health At Every Size, and Fat Body Politics, to name a few (they will have links to many, many other resources). Look at fatshion blogs and beautiful images of people of all sizes and retrain your eye as to what is normal. It’s hard to love yourself in the face of body shame and harassment from people who say they love you, and I feel you. There are so many smart and inspiring people who talk about this stuff every day, and they helped me love myself, or at least defend myself better from the onslaught. Oh, final note, “Fat Acceptance” resources are helpful even if you don’t identify as “fat” or aren’t “fat” according to the scale. They are about loving your body the way it is and are broadly applicable in our diet culture.

14. “I led a guy on and I don’t like him.”

I’m assuming he likes you and thinks your attentions were sincere. My gut says extricate yourself but without using the words “I led you on.” It sucks to be rejected, no need to add the humiliation of feeling like a sap or plaything on top of it. “Guy, I’ve enjoyed spending time with you but I realize that I don’t want to be romantically/sexually involved with you anymore. I’m so sorry.” Own your feelings, make it final and non-negotiable. Then get out of there and leave him be.

15. “Letter to your uncle expressing your gratitude to them from all that he has done in absence of your parents.”

What a sweet note to end on. This is a great idea. I’m sure your words will be sweeter and better than anything I could come up with, but definitely write that letter! “Dear Uncle, I love you and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me…” is a good place to start.

In this piece at Medium on “Cut-Off Culture,” “Emma” broke up with the author after four months of dating, asked for space, and then when they tried to rekindle a friendship after a year, decided it wasn’t really for her.

“After nearly a year of silence, I reached out to her and we began a series of conversations toward repairing our friendship. She said she had recently begun dating someone new and I think it was difficult for her to talk to me about our relationship. Her response was to withdraw again. There were misunderstandings and miscommunication.

She stopped responding to my email and when I called to inquire she blocked my number and emailed me to stop contacting her. Over a space of nine months, I wrote her two kind emails in the spirit of healing. Finally, she replied, “I do not want to see or hear from you ever again” and threatened to file an anti-harassment order against me. The open, thoughtful, communicative Emma I knew had vanished.”

She said,”Please stop contacting me.”

He sent two more emails. She got angry (and possibly afraid) and asked him never to contact her again.

Then he wrote an essay about it, blaming her for invoking his past with an abusive mother(!), making all kinds of assumptions about her “trauma,” and discussing his confusion with her choices:

When personal safety is involved, cutoff is warranted. But most times this isn’t the case. When it’s not, this kind of behavior dehumanizes the other and sends the message “your needs don’t matter, you don’t matter.” University of Chicago neuroscientist John Cacioppo told Psychology Today, “‘The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.’ With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.”

Emma once told me, “You’re the first one to want me for me,” but her abrupt about-face might make you think I ran off with her best friend or boiled her rabbit … I did neither. In fact, to this day, I have only guesses to make sense of her hostility to me.

Because Emma’s withdrawal and eventual cutoff surprised me so much,I had a lot of intense emotions and questions about what she’d experienced and the choices she’d made. Rather than face my need for explanation and desire for resolution, she chose to withdraw.

Here is what the heck happened:

• You guys broke up.
• She didn’t communicate for a year, but eventually gave in when you contacted her. Unfortunately you wanted to hash out the end of the relationship; she didn’t. She was into a new dude and didn’t want to talk about old emotional business.
• So she decided it wasn’t really for her. She tried a slow fade. After all, you guys weren’t really close anymore.
• Then she TOLD you what was up. “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.“
• You kept contacting her against her explicitly stated wishes. Emails seeking “healing” are still unwanted emails.
• She got angry and enforced the boundary.
• You  happened to turn up at her work on a date and she didn’t like it.

What additional “closure” could she have given? What kind of explanation would satisfy? Breakups are painful, and we don’t always understand the reasons for them, but after a four-month romantic attachment ends I don’t think the person is responsible for all of your feelings literally YEARS later. And I don’t think there is any peace or solution possible here, short of “keep being my friend even when you don’t want to.”

Everything about this made my skin crawl:

Cutoff culture is violent in its own ways. The person cutting ties gets what they want, but the person getting cut off is left in a situation where what they need or want doesn’t matter.

Emma’s last note included the phrase, “Apparently, what I want seems irrelevant to you.” She didn’t realize the irony that what I wanted had long been irrelevant to her. Being on the receiving end of a cutoff, surrounded by friends and culture that just expect you to get over it, can leave you feeling utterly powerless.

You are not entitled someone else’s attention and affection! Avoiding someone is not “violent.” YOU GUYS WANT OPPOSITE THINGS. And yes, it is on you to take care of your own feelings here. It is on you to do what you can to heal and get over it. Talk to your friends. Talk to a therapist. Say the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. Don’t force your ex to take care of you!

“If you’ve cut someone off, the ideal response is to ask what the other person needs to feel at peace and to try to offer compromise. Yoga teacher Sarah Powers says, “A lot of wounds in this world could be healed if we would say to the other, ‘I’m sorry I hurt you, what do you need now?’” Sometimes we cut off because we lack capacity. One can also say: “I can’t do this right now, but maybe can touch base later. What do you need in the meantime?” This is a place where technology can be helpful. Email can be used to communicate at a distance that feels safe.”

What compromise is possible between “I don’t like you or want to be in your life” and “Please stay in my life?” Why do you want someone’s grudging attention that you force them to give you? In the second to last paragraph, the author tells a telling anecdote:

The friend who was told to break up via “JSC” told me another story. One of her friends chose to have sex with a lover after breaking up with him; she said even in the midst of ending the relationship, she wanted to “be generous in spirit.” While I don’t necessarily advocate taking things that far (in part because it can create confusion), I embrace the sentiment.

AH HAHAHAHAHA “Good closure” with a “generous spirit” might involve still having sex with your spurned lover after you dump them while they heal at their own pace. Ok got it. He also invokes technology, and the act of blocking, as a catalyst for stalking, but not in the way you think. His reasoning is that if you block someone it will maybe force them to stalk you. “More than 3 million people report being stalking victims each year, the ultimate measure of collective cluelessness about ending love affairs well.” OR POSSIBLY IT’S ‘CAUSE OF STALKERS. LIKE YOU MIGHT SORTA BE.

The subtitle/logline of the piece is:

“Cutting off exes not only hurts our former partners but limits our own growth as well.”

Actually, this person knows nothing about Emma’s growth. When I cut off a former partner who stalked me, I grew just fine. I grew away. I grew alone. I grew free. I hope “Emma” did, too. Today seems like a good time for a reminder: You don’t have to be friends with your ex. And when you say “stop” and the other person keeps going, that person is telling you that you were right to flee.

P.S. He publishes excerpts from her private emails to him. NOT CREEPY AT ALL YOU GUYS.

P.P.S. Edited to add: This paragraph right here? Blaming male domestic violence against women on women making men feel powerlessness?

“I believe that most domestic violence is the result of men with trauma histories reacting to powerlessness in response to experiences with their ex, friends, or family. Certainly men are responsible for finding nonviolent ways to respond to feeling powerless, but culturally we need to understand the dynamics driving these kinds of situations if we’re to reduce them.”

 

Domestic violence springs from a sense of contempt and entitlement towards women. Men who abuse women don’t think that women are entitled to their own needs, feelings, opinions, and personal space. They think women exist to be emotional caretakers and nannies for men, and that when they fail to put men first, it somehow constitutes “violence” that must be contained and retaliated against. Sound like anyone we know? This is a chilling, MRA-style argument that makes violence against women the fault of women. “Emma”, wherever you are: keep running. Your instincts are in solid working order.

Dear Captain Awkward

I have been with my partner for over 5 years now, and I love him to pieces, I can’t imagine my life without him, but I am scared that if I propose to him he’s going to say no, from what I know we are very happy, and I know that he loves lots of ‘girly’ things as well as ‘male’ things, wearing dresses, cosplay, ribbons, romantic comedies, video games, and shoujo manga.

I thought it would be a great Idea to propose to him later this year by taking him to the largest convention we have in the UK for a romantic weekend away, wine-ing and dining him, I’ve booked the hotel room, saved up nearly all the money I need and bought a ring and a Tardis ring box to put it in.

But I keep second guessing myself now, thinking what if he wouldn’t want me to propose to him, or at the least having no idea what I would say, would he feel weird about his girlfriend proposing to him, I mean I’ve asked him in the past and he always said he hasn’t had a problem with it, but since I’ve started researching how to propose as a woman, I’ve found so many posts saying just not to do it, that it takes something away that is solely for the man to do, that I’d be robbing him basically of him being able to do it and that I would emasculate him by proposing to him, that he would become a laughing stock amongst other men. Despite reassurances from his and my male friends that if their own girlfriends proposed to them they’d be ecstatic, and they think he would be too, since he is not a traditional male.

I want to propose to him so much, but in doing so would I just humiliate him?

Yours sincerely

Dearly befuddled

Dear Befuddled,

How exciting for both of you! Two thoughts:

1) After happy five years with someone, surely a discussion of “do you want to keep doing this”/”should we formalize this thing we’ve got going on in one of the ways open to us under the law” is not a completely foreign one. The saying of the question in so many words, the presentation of symbolic gifts, etc. might have an element of surprise involved, but the prospect of the decision is surely not a surprise, right? If it is, then maybe a “Hey do you ever think about wanting to get married someday? How do you want us to go about making that decision” conversation before the whirlwind weekend is probably in order. If he has strong feelings about where and how and when this should all go down you’ll find out about them.

2) Someone who would not want to marry you or who would be humiliated because you were the one who asked the question, someone who would poop all over the awesome thing you’ve planned because: Traditional gender roles! is probably not right for you on a number of levels.

It sounds like the worst thing that could happen here is that he is like “Yes of course, let’s get married. Though I had this awesome surprise planned for you” and you say “we’ve got the rest of our lives to surprise and delight each other, you silly gorgeous man” and then you kiss a lot and get married some day.

Go live your awesome love story without fear or apology!

Edited To Add:

While we’re on the subject of lasting commitment, an Awkwardeer is seeking help with their wedding vows.

Hi Captain!

I love your blog, and the direct approach you have with words and creating good space for oneself in a relationship. My question is of the happy problem variety … I’m getting married at the end of May to a fantastic guy, and am looking for advice on building a strong marriage (and some inspiration as I start to write my vows).

We’re in our late thirties and have pretty similar romantic histories (very few relationships, none of which lasted very long), which means that we don’t have a lot of personal experience with the ins and outs of long term relationships. Our approach has been to “use our words” as much as possible, and while we don’t always agree, I can’t think of anything that has turned into an actual fight. (We’ve both wondered if this will create a problem at some point, but haven’t been able to imagine it.)

So. We’re getting married (hooray!). And I’m really interested in your (and the awkwardeers) thoughts on maintaining and keeping a strong partnership over the next (hopefully) 50+ years.

Thanks!

What makes love stay? Got any favorite poems or quotes or readings? LET’S CYRANO THE DE BERGERAC OUT OF THIS.

Dear Captain Awkward,

When I was laid off from ~the first job I ever loved~ earlier this year, it caused me to put every aspect of my life under a microscope.

I graduated from my small town university about two years ago, and this job was one of the most wonderful things to happen to me. My boss was a wonderful, inspirational person who gave me the opportunity to be creative within my position, and I felt valuable and needed. She had become like a mentor to me, as I had also studied her native language in college, and we shared many interests. Completely out of the blue, I got the word from her husband that they decided to sell the small business I worked for. I had no idea that this was even a possibility, and they didn’t even give me a heads up. I got a new job less than a month after they sold the company, which was a small relief. The new job is okay, but since I live in an area where there aren’t many jobs for young people, I had to settle for lower wages and a monotonous work environment.

When I was laid off, I was more depressed than I had been in years. Although I knew the selling of the company wasn’t my fault, I still felt like the entire world I’d built up wasn’t what I’d made it out to be. While I’ve recovered a bit, in my recovery, I started to wonder that maybe my life is going in a direction that isn’t really making me happy, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

This brings me to my next point. The man I’m engaged to (I’ll call him “T” here) is a wonderful, adventurous person, but we also still live in our small hometown. I feel like part of the reason my anxiety has been off the charts lately is that it’s a toxic environment for me to live in. Many people we know have gotten into drug addiction, have committed suicide, or get married and have children very young so we don’t see them often. Every time I travel, I notice that I feel so much happier in places that are basically anywhere but the place I attended high school and college in. I was also diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my previous boyfriend’s car accident that gave him permanent brain damage, so that memory still haunts my hometown, even if I’ve moved past my former boyfriend in a romantic sense.

I keep hinting that we could find a new town to live in, but T seems set on making our hometown work, since it’s cheap to live here and we’re doing okay financially with our current jobs. The thing is, while he has a few close friends that live near us, almost all of my friends live over an hour and a half away from me. I feel lonely, even though I have T’s company (we love to go hiking and camping together, he’s all about discussing feminist issues with me, and we’ve even has a great time traveling to another country!), and not having a support system outside of my fiance, dog, and parents has been difficult.

Then, an incident happened last week that made a side of my fiance come out that doesn’t show itself often, but isn’t pleasant when it presents itself. Driving tends to trigger panic attacks for me, and it took me years to be able to ride in a car without picturing my former boyfriend’s accident (we don’t have public transit where I live, unfortunately). I’ve since learned how to drive, but it is still difficult for me. When I was in a stressful driving situation last week in which I had to drive myself, T became frustrated and snapped at me. He thinks that telling me to drive myself *every time* is making me “strong,” but I explained that when I feel prone to an anxiety attack, me being on the road is not safe for anyone. While T is usually empathetic, sometimes the way he acts toward me when I’m having my panic attacks shifts dramatically between cold, confused, and supportive rapidly, even when I try to explain to him rationally what is happening, and what he can do to help. He works with children on the autism spectrum, and for some reason, I feel like he is trying to “condition” me the way he does his students, and I’ve tried to tell him “please don’t do that. I have a therapist who helps me with this just fine. I am able to help myself, and all I need is your support.”

Most of the people I know see me as a happy, outgoing person, and even my closest friends wouldn’t be able to guess that I’m going through a crisis. I’ve internalized most of it and don’t really know *how* to speak about it without melting down, because there’s so much conflicting within me. My therapist has been great when it comes to my anxiety attacks, but I also think input from someone else would be helpful. I’m trying to get my life in gear and figure out what I even want to do (I want to get into a different career, but I have no idea where to start, since I can’t afford grad school), but I am worried my life is going in a direction that doesn’t leave me a wide variety of options.

Sincerely,

Quarter Life Crisis

Dear Quarter Life Crisis:

I want to trust that your fiancé is not a total tool and that his incredibly tool-ish behavior the other day was an outlier.

So…

Was it really an outlier?

What other stuff is T. automatically always right about? In what other ways does he set himself up as an authority and your teacher? He’s the authority on where you should live, apparently. And also on how to manage your anxiety about driving. I just…hrmmmm…I think there might be more things where you want x and he wants y and he reasons you into wanting y (but you still want x, despite his very cogent arguments) so you resort to “hinting” about wanting to live elsewhere because the emotional transaction costs of saying “I want to move to a place with more economic diversity and good public transit that is still near enough to wilderness that we can camp and hike on the regular” are high and asserting “I would like us to save up together and try to make that move happen within the next year” is too scary. So what would happen if you stopped hinting and said “I understand all of your arguments for wanting to stay here, but I feel disconnected and unhappy here, and I want to at least try living somewhere else for a while. Can we talk seriously about what that would entail?

You say “Every time I travel, I notice that I feel so much happier in places that are basically anywhere but the place I attended high school and college in.” That is a good enough reason to  play the Anywhere But Here game. “We live too far from all of my friends, so I feel very lonely and isolated” is another good reason.

We talked a few weeks ago about looking for ways to connect with others in a small(ish) place. If you’re not already making an effort to meet more people where you live I want you to try going to a local Meetup of some kind in the next month or so. Even if you end up leaving, practicing the art of making new friends and finding some people to make your current situation less lonely will make you feel better overall. And I want you to try to go alone, without T. (even if he ends up giving you a ride).

I also want you to think about going down to visit your friends who live an hour and a half away for regular visits, and if possible, go without T. This doesn’t have to be something you’re doing Against T. or At T., but I think you would benefit from cultivating a support system and social life outside of him that is just your own. I think you would benefit from seeing your friends and having a long catch-up session with them where you can talk frankly about what’s going on in your life without having to edit what you want to coincide with what T. wants. You can love someone to bits and have a relationship that works very well and still benefit greatly from  require social interaction with other people. Spending all of your social time only with T. and with T’s friends is not good for either of you. It’s too much pressure!

We’ve also covered some ways to regroup after a setback and plan for a future move, when love is involved. There are lots of ways to handle moving somewhere new without grad school or a highly paid job, especially for a young, educated person with some work experience who is willing to try new things. The dream situation is that you have a highly paid job all lined up and that employer pays for your relocation costs. That is unfortunately not a common scenario for entry level employees in the current economic climate. But it’s far from the only scenario:

Method #1, or, How I Moved To Chicago With Two Suitcases and 1 Cat And $3500 in the bank during a recession:

• Pick a place with good public transit and fairly inexpensive rent.
• Find a cheap short-term sublet with roommates to get your feet wet for a few months, something in an established group house where you just need to bring clothes and very few household items.
• Research the job market there heavily before you go. Maybe look for businesses similar to the one you used to work in!
• Sign up with temp and staffing agencies in the city, look for jobs until you find something.

I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, but I did it and many of my friends have done it and it worked out fine in the end. If you couldn’t find work and needed to move back to your hometown, it sounds like your family and T. would be a safety net in helping you get re-established there. I have married friends who are doing exactly this: She went to dream new city to stay with friends they had there and try to get established, while he stayed at his steady, well-paid job. If/when she finds full-time work, he’ll follow. If she doesn’t find anything within a certain amount of time, she’ll come back and they’ll try again another time, maybe with him going first. Would T. be up for something like that?

Method #2: Volunteer

Apply to a volunteer service agency and get placed in the region where you want to be. If you’re in the U.S., Americorps has rolling placements in all kinds of agencies. If you are religious, The Jesuit Volunteer Corps (and other organizations like it, this is just one I know because friends have done it) can place you in communal living situations and set you up with work. Get work experience, feel like you are making a difference, be connected with other young people, have a roof over your head and food on the table. Again, it’s not easy, but it is possible.

Method #3: How Far Do You Want To Go?

I don’t have the direct experience to recommend or endorse a specific sponsoring organization, but what about teaching English abroad? It’s not for the faint of heart, but you sound like a born traveler with an adventurous heart. There would be steps in terms of training and red tape, but a round-trip ticket, pay, health insurance, housing, and time off for regional travel, etc. could be yours as well.

I put these out there to get you thinking and imagining. And maybe even planning. Because knowing how to drive is great, but I am 40 and I have never lived in a place where you must own a car as an adult. Lots of people want to use public transit for environmental or economic reasons, but those aren’t the only reasons. You could live near friends, in a place where public transit is common, where there are businesses like the place you loved working, for real.

Even if T. is a great dude and will be a great fit for you, if you are making your dreams smaller to conform to what you think he wants, and you don’t feel like you can even bring up the things you want without “hinting”*, there is some serious work to be done here before you pick a place to settle and before you marry anybody. Stop hinting. See what happens. Start researching places you might want to live. See what happens. Stop pretending to your friends and the other people closest to you that everything is great and you are happy where you are. See what happens.

The story where you feel like T. is trying to retrain you out of your anxiety is not a feel-good story. It’s actually a scary story, and the fact that you wrote to us about it means that your instincts are in good working condition and you know that it’s really, really wrong to behave that way. So I want to be sure to say, if that WAS a one-time thing and he really IS a great dude and a good fit for you, he will:

1) Support and encourage you in making new friends in your town.

2) Support and encourage you in visiting your old friends.

3) Listen to your hopes and thinking seriously about relocating without automatically shooting them down. He may have very good reasons for staying, but they are not automatically better, more logical reasons than you do for wanting to go. You should be able to ask for a periodic schedule of discussing the idea of moving without pushback.

4) This should have been #1: He will knock the pressuring you about driving thing RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. 

Edited to Add:

The above is what a good reaction from a partner looks like. The below paragraph is what a bad reaction would look like. After reading a bunch of comments, I realize that was far from clear. For the record, I do not think T. will necessarily do any of these things or is doing anything of these bad things. I do not necessarily think that breaking up with T. is the answer or even my recommendation, just, don’t marry someone you are afraid to talk to about big stuff with until you figure out how to have those conversations and make sure you are actually on the same page. The stuff in the letter where the writer feels like T. might be “conditioning” her the way he does his students made me want to put the warnings about what controlling behavior looks like in my response.

IF T. reacts badly to you making new friends, going places without him, or bringing up even the idea of moving, please know that </Edit>…someone who insists on not letting you out of his sight, is threatened, hurt, and sulky when you want to see your friends without him, someone who makes talking about relocating feel like the “WHAT’S YOUR PLAN, SKYLAR” scenes from Breaking Bad* is very, very bad news. If pregnancy risk is a factor with the kind of sex you guys have, double-check your birth control, because a man who behaves like this is also someone who will help a woman who he is afraid might leave him “accidentally” get pregnant. I hope this is all an extremely laughable funny joke and not an overreaction on my part, but the guy who wouldn’t let his girlfriend pee had good feminist credentials, too, and “we can have feminist conversations” doesn’t mean shit if he is controlling the trajectory of your life or patronizing you about a reasonable anxiety about driving in the wake of a traumatic experience.

This is big stuff. It’s okay not to have it all figured out yet. It’s okay to listen to that part of you that wants to live somewhere else for a while, and the part of you that misses your old job and wants to get back into that field. Good luck.

*In general terms it involves a wife saying ‘I am not okay with what is happening and want us to change it’ and the husband looming over her and making fun of her for not having thought through every single step of the plan because she can only change things if she can logically ‘prove’ her case to him. His extremely logical plan is to make illegal drugs and murder people, and her illogical, emotional, stupid ladyplan is that he should stop doing that. The scene perfectly encapsulates why dudes who set themselves up as The Only Rational One fucking terrify me.

Miss Manners is strangely silent on this topic. A grave oversight!

Captain Awkward et al,

A few years ago now, my parents informed me that they have been swingers since I was 11 years old (over 15 years ago). I feel I should mention: while I am only able to sustain one romantic/sexual relationship at a time, I embrace any lifestyle that involves informed, consenting adults. What threw me for a loop was that the family narrative that I had been telling everyone (including myself) was altered irrevocably. I’ve been in therapy, working on my feelings of anger and anxiety that have been busted loose by this revelation. While my parents love me, I don’t think they really understand how troubling this has been for me.

Since the time of my parents’ coming out, they have been involved with a woman named Myrtle. Myrtle is an otherwise single woman, who has recently adopted a baby, and about a year after that, gave birth to my half-sister. My parents have been very involved with both children, and have built and moved into a house across the street from Myrtle.

Periodically, I have sat my parents down to ask them questions, like: “What relationship do you expect me to have with these children?” and “How formal is the relationship between you guys and Myrtle?” They insist that they are not and will not be entering into anything formal with her, that if she finds someone to be monogamous with, they’ll just go back to being neighbors. Yet, it seems whenever I call they are at her house, or at swimming lessons with the kids, or just coming back from a trip together. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve lost my parents.

Last week my father informed me that I must invite Myrtle to my upcoming wedding. To be fair, I did tell him that given their financial contributions, they are entitled to a limited number of “I insist” cards, to be used judiciously. He claims she is unlikely to come. I don’t understand why they want me to invite her. I don’t really want her to be there. The space is limited, the guest list is small and only includes family and the dearest of friends.

Captain, do I play the good daughter (something I excel at) and invite her? Should I just recruit some friends to play “keep Myrtle away from me” on the big day? Should I call my parents and find out why they want me to invite someone that they deny a having a formal relationship with? Should I just say no and cope with any resulting tension? I just don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,
Trying to Get Over It

Dear Trying To Get Over It:

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! And congratulations? on becoming part of the long tradition that says that weddings are the time when families try to spackle over all their conflict and bullshit and put a whole bunch of pressure on each other to perform in a certain way. “Wedding shenanigans” form the backbone of the Advice Industrial Complex, and I am proud to take my place in the Agony Aunt Alliance on your behalf.

You and your parents need to talk about what inviting Myrtle means to them and means to you.

Script #1: “Dad, let me be honest, it never occurred to Intended and me to invite her. I think this is a very awkward request you are making. But before we decide, we want to know why it’s so important to you.”

Make him do the work of explaining his reasoning. Your dad says she is unlikely to come. Well, then why is it so important to invite her? Because if you invite her, you’re saying “please come!” There is no “come but don’t really” kind of invitation. Lots of people don’t get invited to any given wedding and don’t get offended about it. It’s actually fucked up to give Myrtle an invitation that is not a real invitation, or force you to extend a fake invitation. See what he says, and then Script #2 might be “Intended and I are inviting only people we know well and who are close to us. If Myrtle wouldn’t come anyway, why go through the charade of including her?“

Oh, and also, use the Royal Engaged “we” whenever possible. It’s not just your wedding, it’s your future spouse’s wedding, and it’s okay to invoke them when setting boundaries (as it would be okay for them to invoke you with their family!). Have your intended on the phone or in the room when you have these conversations, too, if you think it will help.

Does the rest of your family know about Myrtle and the kids, or did your parents come out only to you? Have you and future spouse actually met and interacted with Myrtle? It sounds like not so much. If that is the case, and “Myrtle” is a complex open secret kind of thing in the extended family, then here is Script #3:

“Mom, Dad, if you want to introduce Myrtle and the kids to the family, why not just have a BBQ or something. I would feel more comfortable if getting to know Myrtle and her kids was not bundled up with planning my wedding.“

Having a child with someone and uprooting your life to build a house next to that person sounds pretty serious to me, whether or not the relationship is “formal.” Does the extended family know your half sibling is your Dad’s child, or is it this weird secret-second-class-family thing going on? Are your parents lying or deluded when they say that they don’t really expect this relationship to last? Denying Myrtle’s importance while insisting that she be invited to a small close-family-and-friends-only wedding makes no sense.

Which leads us to Script #4: “Mom, Dad, what is this really about?”

They’ve always hedged at asking you to consider Myrtle as part of the family (Have you and your intended spouse even met her? It sounds like it’s been at least several years if the kids are going to swimming lessons?) but it sounds like they want this wedding invitation to demonstrate that she is included and accepted by you. It’s a rubber stamp on fancy paper acknowledging a relationship that doesn’t actually exist yet. If they love Myrtle and want you to know her and her children, they have some work to do in introducing you to each other and actually laying out their hopes for what will happen there rather than hedging as they have been doing.

Once they’ve laid it out, here is one way you could go:

Script #5: “Mom and Dad, if you love Myrtle and want her to be part of the family, then have a party (that is not my wedding) and tell everybody how it is. That way we can all get to know her a little bit, and she can be invited to the wedding without me having to tiptoe around the whole thing and wonder who knows what and what you and Myrtle want to tell people-’She’s our neighbor.’ ‘She’s a friend of the family’ ‘She’s Mummy and Daddy’s Special Friend’ ‘She’s the mom of my half sister!’ – this is for YOU to figure out and address, not for me to handle with a wedding invitation.”

I don’t think it’s cool (and fortunately you don’t think it’s cool) to exclude someone your parents love from your wedding just because it’s a non-traditional relationship. If your parents were divorced and wanted to bring step-parents or partners/boyfriends/girlfriends, you’d roll with it, right? But if your parents re-married or were seeing someone seriously, they would also presumably make an effort to make sure you got to know that person. So while there is ickiness around expecting people to be secretive about non-traditional love arrangements, it’s not “society’s” disapproval that’s making the “You must invite Myrtle” thing fall apart for me.  If your parents want to facilitate an actual real connection between you and Myrtle, it sounds like they’ve had years to get the ball rolling and be emotionally honest with you instead of just “Here’s stuff about our sex life starting from when you were 11” type of honest. (I don’t know why they had to tell you the entire history, why not “Your mom and I have been exploring nonmonogamy for a while and heeeeey we met someone” not “Please re-examine everything you think you know about your childhood.” Too much information!)

A wedding is just one party. What’s their long game here? The real issue is that Myrtle and the half-sibling(s) are not a real part of your life. Your parents are pretending this is all casual and temporary and that there’s absolutely no pressure. But there is pressure: your dad is insisting that she be invited to your wedding. This is about legitimizing something about their relationship with Myrtle in the eyes of you and your family (and/or Myrtle herself, WHOSE PERSPECTIVE ON THIS I WOULD DEARLY LOVE), but they are using you and your wedding as props to do this instead of having the hard, real conversations that needed to happen long ago. Is this about you being judgmental of their lifestyle or is it about the fact that you don’t know this lady at all and it’s never seemed to matter to them much before? If they had done the work to integrate Myrtle and your half-sibling into the family, the question of inviting Myrtle would be a fait accompli. Absent that work, it’s okay for you to want a day with your parents where their focus is on you and your new spouse. “Mom, Dad, it sounds like we do need to revisit the whole question of where Myrtle and her kids will fit into my life, but this is not the time, this is not the event, this is not the way.”

I don’t want this to go to the ultimatum place, but if your parents play the “If Myrtle is invited then we won’t pay for the wedding” card, you also have the “Well, if you want me to EVER have any kind of relationship with Myrtle and the kids, this was NOT the way to go about it, fuck all y’all we’re eloping thx bye” card. Both look like losing hands, but I don’t think that’s your fault.

So, say you decide that it’s not worth fighting this and Myrtle is invited and actually comes to the wedding. What do you do?

1) Greet her briefly and accept her congratulations graciously. Consider the stock phrase, “Thank you, we’re very happy. I hope you have nice time.” Once she’s there, she’s a guest, and the ancient host-guest relationship prevails. She will eat your bread and salt, and you will not harm her lest you wish to be pursued throughout eternity by The Kindly Ones.

2) Let your parents be the one to introduce her around. She’s “a close friend of your parents’” as far as you are concerned, the rest is their news to share or not.

3) Get your friends/wedding party to be a buffer.

4) If she tries to “connect” or “talk seriously” with you at your wedding, say “Myrtle, seriously? Not the place” and move away/invoke buffer team.

5) If your parents pull some “LOOK AT US AND OUR UNCONVENTIONALNESS” show-offy stuff (Like, this *is* the first time everyone is meeting/hearing about Myrtle and your dad’s toast is to you and to the Several Loves of his Life, or there is awkward three-partner ballroom dancing) think of the incredible, amazing story it will make later. Maybe a wiggly-arms dance? 

Good luck, get married, be happy, and tell us how it all goes down if you feel comfortable doing that.

P.S. Offbeat Bride has “you’re not invited” scripts galore.

P.P.S. I can’t be the only one imagining Myrtle’s counterpoint letter, right? “My partners are insisting that I attend their daughter’s wedding, even though I am pretty sure she is not into the idea and this seems like Not The Time Or Place to meet the extended family. What do I do?“

Dear Captain Awkward,

My relationship with my boyfriend is seriously beginning to interfere with my academic pursuits. I met my boyfriend about a semester ago though some mutual friends of ours, and by all accounts, it has been a truly amazing experience. He is handsome, smart, supportive, and despite a slow start to the relationship we have amazing chemistry; he’s even into geek culture. Honestly, this is the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship, and I can’t wait to see what our future together is like.

For the past few months things have been all sunshine and rainbows, but then I began to notice a problem: during the time we have been together, the quality of my academic efforts has declined. Not drastically, mind you, but as a student who used to get A’s on her college projects, I’m now getting B’s. Theoretically, My boyfriend and I should not have such incredibly different workloads, seeing as we have similar majors (Comp. Sci. and Engineering) but while he’s already been accepted as a transfer to the four-year college of his choice, i’m still vying for a spot at mine, which essentially means that while he’s taking low stakes pre reqs for the classes he’ll be taking next year, I have to strive to take classes that make my transcript look as shiny and appealing to admissions officers as possible.

How do I explain to him, in a way that doesn’t sound like a preamble to a breakup, that I need more time on my own for my studies? Furthermore, how can I implement this lifestyle change so that he still feels loved and cared for?

“Boyfriend, I need to put more focus on my schoolwork, so going forward, x blocks of time are for us to hang out and y blocks of time are for me to study.  I won’t be answering texts or making social plans during those blocks of time until I feel caught up on my projects and my grades are where I want them to be. I wanted to let you know so that we could plan around it. Cool, thanks.”

A good boyfriend goes “sure, ok!” and then enjoys the time you spend together and leaves you alone during your study time. And then you give him your full attention during your scheduled date time and all is well.

A bad boyfriend gets all whiny and sulky and manufactures reasons to intrude on your study time and claims that your studying makes him feel “unloved.” I’ve met many versions of That Guy, the one who always wants to have big relationship talks late at night before you have an exam or when you’re in the middle of a complicated project. The one who stands in your doorway and says “I’m bored!” when you’ve blocked out the afternoon to study. That Guy must be stopped.

I’m guessing/hoping that you have a good boyfriend! So, this isn’t stuff you need to ask permission for. This is stuff where you tell the other person how it’s going to be and then do that thing. This also isn’t something he’s necessarily causing. It’s on you to get your priorities in order, make a schedule and routine, and stick to it. He can help that effort or hinder that effort, but it’s not on him to initiate the discussion. Don’t beat either yourself or him up too much; it’s very common to get caught up in New Relationship Energy at the beginning of a romance and let the laundry pile up and the homework get half-assed. Needing to readjust or renegotiate schedule stuff is normal and healthy, and he’s probably got his own laundry to do/friends to see/homework to do. You’re smart to notice the dynamic and readjust! Hopefully your future with this guy will continue to be great, and hopefully your own scholastic and professional future will be great as well. Love doesn’t have to come at the expense of work, and college is a great time to figure that out.

Hey Captain:

This has been a problem for a while but strangely it only occurred to me to write you about it after your recent post on polyamorous parents inviting their girlfriend to their kid’s wedding.  I had a lot of feels over that post because I’ve been having a similar concern. Namely, I hate my parents’ new wife. But I feel like the ship on which to mention it has long since sailed.

For the majority of my life I was happy living with the idea that my parents were monogamous and happy about it.  But then a couple years ago they approached me with the idea that now that I was grown up they were going to start dating around. I was confused and upset (Are you getting a divorce? But wait, aren’t we Catholic?  Why now? Am I supposed to do something about it?) but they were able to explain things for me.  I can’t say I’m the most thrilled panda on the planet because on some level I think I just don’t “get” it. I’ve never had the desire to date more than one person -anything else seems stressful and difficult- but I support anything that makes them happy. So I took a few weeks to think about things and decided that their lives were their own and it was not my place to judge.

When they got a new girlfriend I even tried really hard to be nice to her – we did the whole family dinners thing. The girlfriend – “Carol” – was nice enough and I feel like I might have genuinely liked her had we met under different circumstances.  We had a lot of “weather talk” conversations and were genuinely polite/pleasant to each other, but that was it. She and I never did anything alone, and her being Mommy and Daddy’s Close Friend seemed to work out for all of us.

But then they got married. Not legally of course, but there was a service and she moved into my parents house. Marriage changed everything. It seems like I can’t see my real parents alone any time, and whenever I want to see them Carol is always around. What’s worse, it seems like they expect my relationship with Carol to upgrade like theirs did. Carol wants that too – recently she’s been pushing for more “girl time” and keeps trying to talk about more personal things as though we’re good pals. The more she pushes the more I realize I actually loathe her. For a while I denied it and tried extra hard to be friends because that’s what noble, progressive, open-minded people would be. (at least, in my mind) But I never wanted to be friends, I was mostly being nice because she was important to my parents. But because I started out being more friendly than I felt I feel like I’m now locked into this permanent state of being cool with Carol. My parents are upset that I’m still keeping her at arm’s length (since we’re all one big happy family now!) and I know that if it came to her or me they’d choose me. Still though, I don’t want to force them to choose but I don’t want to be all buddy-buddy with her either. They feel like I’m rejecting her and their lifestyle, and I guess in a way I am? I’m just not ready for their lifestyle to become mine.  How can I tell my parents that I’ll never love Carol as much as them, and that while I value their relationship with her the less of a relationship *I* have with her the better? And is that even a cool thing to want?

Signed,

Not Down for Family Christmas Carols

Dear Not Down:

Readers, if you are “Carol” in this story, as in, you are the step-parent of an adult child, I have some anecdata for you. Almost every adult stepchild I have ever encountered, even the ones who like their parents’ spouse just fine most of the time, even the ones who love their step-parent, had the same complaint, especially when the relationship was new:

“When I go to see my mom/dad, my stepmom/dad is always, always, always around whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

The kid feels like they can never hang out with just their dad or just their mom, and if they ask, they are opening a big can of worms and hurting stepparent’s feelings and causing a fight. And often the parent doesn’t want to rock that boat either, they want to demonstrate to the stepparent that everything really IS working, that they ARE a real family. In some cases the parent has sort of abdicated the whole “expressing or talking about emotions” or “planning outings” thing and the stepparent is trying way too hard to compensate and cheerlead and cruise direct everyone through the visit and gaaaaaah it’s just so awkward.

If you are the stepparent, you should be:

• Included in family holiday celebrations & invitations.
• Invited to everything that takes place in the house where you live.
• Treated with kindness and consideration.
• Allowed to set some boundaries and expectations for what happens in your shared home.

But if your stepkid is like “Dad, let’s go pick up some milk” or “Dad, can I take you to lunch tomorrow?” or “Mom, let’s go see that new movie, okay” and the invitation does not expressly, enthusiastically include you, by name (uttered in front of you in the same room does not count)?

Do.

Not.

Go.

To.

That.

Thing.

Stepparents are amazing, unsung heroes of the parenting world and it’s gotta be just so nervewracking to never know if you are doing it right. There are so many ways to get it wrong that aren’t your fault and have nothing to do with you and everything to do with other people’s baggage that you don’t control. Love! I send you love!

But I swear, sometimes your stepkid and your spouse just need to fucking muddle through their issues or eat pancakes or grunt through a shitty episode of network television without you. Not because you did anything wrong, but because the parent-child relationship is its own thing and the stepchild-stepparent relationship is its own thing. No one should make you feel uncomfortable or kick you out of your own home, but sometimes you gotta know when to schedule brunch with your friends or a 3-hour massage and pedicure and that time is maybe when your adult stepkids visit. If the relationship is already tense, abdicating for a bit won’t make it worse, and if the relationship is overall good your stepkids will silently, secretly thank you for a little bit of solo time with their parent. Consider this a public service announcement.

Little kids are a lot like cats, in that if they want nothing to do with you you can’t really make them interact (they will punish you for dragging them out from under the sofa, and sometimes your punishment will involve pee) and, if they want to pay attention to you, it’s very hard to stop them.

Adults have learned to modulate their responses, but that doesn’t mean that our emotions don’t sometimes hide out under the futon of You Are Not My Mom And You Can’t Make Me Like You.

I don’t think telling your parents that you hate Carol is the answer. In addition to being unkind and spiteful, the ship HAS sailed and calling it back to port won’t help anything.

But you are the cat right now. So your reactions (“I hate Carol!”) are outsized while you are feeling very territorial and cornered. Try not to make any big decisions until your claws retract. This can all get better with some boundary setting and some time, so don’t do or say anything irrevocable like “But I hate her!” until you’ve tried some baby steps. Your parents and Carol’s “crimes”, when you look at them, are trying too hard to facilitate a relationship with someone they love and being a bit oblivious at your polite evasions when you don’t want Girl Time or to be a confidante. These are not mean people who are trying to hurt you, they are just a bit unrealistic about their great love for each other and their great love for you combining into its own love story. Take a step back and try to find that part of you that tried very hard to be welcoming. That was a good instinct on your part, now let’s try to make it a sustainable one.

Because I don’t think your parents should be pressuring you to lurrrrrrrrrve Carol either. You’re an adult, you are a separate person from them, and as long as you are being nice, polite, etc. to Carol you don’t have to hang out with her one-on-one or be besties. Relationship structures can be transitive (the spouse of my parent is my step-parent) but feelings aren’t (everyone I love doesn’t necessarily love each other). They can’t be forced, and the more you try the more you invoke the cat with its fat tail and its claws out. “Nice kitty, good kitty!” the visitor says as s/he pets the hostile, seething cat and feeds it treats. “I peed in your suitcase,” says the cat. “And while you sleep, I will barf these treats into your shoe.”

Do you live close to your parents, or is it the case where you are coming in every so often for a visit from far away? Because that might determine whether this is a big talk or a series of small boundary-setting/invitation things. What you and your family need to find is a new normal, where Carol is part of the family and you can go back to thinking “hey, she’s pretty neat!”, but without all the pressure on you to feel deeply.

One possible script is for Carol herself, the next time she invites you to have one-on-one time.

“Carol, I don’t want to go shopping with you, or have ‘girl time’, and I know my many refusals have hurt your feelings, so let’s talk.

If there were a manual on how to do this stepmom thing, you would be doing everything pretty right. For example, you are very kind to make such an effort to plan things for us to do together, and I do know that you sincerely want us to be close. 

I’m glad you and my parents make each other so happy, and you haven’t done anything wrong. But when I travel all this way, it’s really important that I get some alone time with my parents in addition to the time we all spend as a family. I want some Just Mom Time or Just Dad Time way more than I want Girl Time. That’s certainly not all on you to work out. Someday, maybe we’ll have Girl Time, but I’d like to be the one to suggest it, please. In the meantime, please stop feeling like you have to work so hard at this.”

I also suggest that you look for two or three things you have in common with Carol, like, a favorite show or author or musician that you both like. This gives you a safe, enjoyable topic of conversation when things get tense and gives you a way to connect and build positive experiences to chase some of the bad ones out.

The script above can be adapted for your parents.”Mom, Dad, I know that Carol is working very hard to connect with me and make sure that I know I am welcome. It is very sweet of her. The thing is, I don’t want Carol Time. I want Family Time, when we’re all together (including Carol!), and then I want some time with Just You, Mom and Just You, Dad. Then maybe if there is time left over there will be room for Carol Time. But right now, when I’m so hungry to spend time with you guys, the push for Carol Time just rankles and feels forced.”

If you live close and you see your parents frequently, maybe the big talks are still a ways off. I think your parents will balk at “Mom, Dad, why don’t you and me and NOT CAROL go hang out?” or checking “Will Carol be there?/Is Carol coming?” when they invite you to do something (She will be there and they will see through this question). But they might be up for solo time with you, as in “Dad, you and me, let’s grab a beer!” or “Mom, you and me, I got us 2 tickets to your favorite singer.” If you could get into a pattern of regular solo outings with your parents it will make the Parents + Carol times more chill because the communication and connection with your parents will be stronger.

Even on a rarer, longer visit, can you carve out a tradition of one outing with each of your parents? I know, B.C. (Before Carol) you didn’t have to Friend-Date your parents, but this might be a positive, proactive way to get time with them that isn’t at Carol’s expense or about your tensions around her. You might have to be very blunt about this on occasion. “Mom, when I invite just you to a concert, I mean just you – not that you should immediately secure tickets for Dad and Carol.” Geek Social Fallacies are pretty ingrained.

Of course, if you live close and see your parents frequently, that means the invitations from Carol are more frequent. You could keep saying “No thank you!” without giving a reason and hope that she takes the hint, or you could put everyone out of their misery. “Carol, thanks for the invitation. I keep saying no, even though you are very kind to ask, because I don’t want Girl-Time. I want family time (that definitely includes you!), some time with just my dad, some time with just my mom. Maybe someday Girl-Time will happen, but if that’s the case I’d like to be the one to invite you. Until then, please don’t work so hard at this! Let’s all just relax and enjoy the time when we do see each other.”

Keep whatever you say focused on the invitation and as close as possible to the present – don’t wander into general FEELINGSTALK. You want to avoid spillover where anyone says “You’re just not supporting our relationship!” and you say “Actually, since you mention it…” CLAWS IN. If Carol gets it, and does back off, reward her with kindness. No sulking, no banging the tea mugs around in the sink, no teenage eye-rolling.

It sounds like you and your parents have flirted with these conversation before, and their questions have been along the lines of:
• “But why can’t you love Carol as we love her?”
• “Why can’t you tryyyyyyyyyyyyy?”
• “Why do you have to be so judgmental of our lifestyle?”

I don’t think there is an answer that will make everyone happy.  A possible response is “I’m happy that you are happy, but that doesn’t mean that Carol is my Mum now, and when I feel pressured to view her that way it has the opposite effect.“

You clearly have some ick about the poly aspects of this situation. You don’t have to get it or like it for your parents (and many other people on the earth) to deserve to love who and how they choose, and it’s good to know that you realize those issues and prejudices are yours to process.

I also think you have the same complicated ick that most people have when their parents remarry, even when that is a really happy occasion, which is “You are probably ok but this is bringing up a lot of weird feelings. Let’s not force anything and see if we can all ride it out, ok?“

Whatever your feelings are, it sounds like you’ve tried hard to treat Carol like a member of the family and do right by your parents and this new love of theirs, which is what counts at the end of the day. Your actions have been exactly what they should be; they just fall short of wanting to be as close to Carol as she wants or they want. That can’t be forced, though. Lots of people have perfectly nice fine relatives who are nonetheless not close, and that’s okay. So your script in the face of these questions is “I’m willing to give this all the time in the world, but I’m not willing to fake it or force it, and I’d like everyone to stop pressuring me to feel a certain way.”

Things can get better with time, but not if guilt and pressure are the main tools for improving things. No to Girl Time. Yes to some one-on-one time with your parents. Yes to family time with everyone. A structure like that, where everyone backs off a bit, can help the fat tail shrink to normal.

Four letters about The Guy Who Would Be Perfect If Not For That One Dealbreaker Thing. I didn’t publish the 5th of this ilk that came in this week, which was about a perpetually-unemployed-and-not-trying, bad-in-bed man who was also mean. That one was too easy (Bees! Run!). These are harder because people don’t have to be evil to be not quite right for you.

Help me Awkward People, you are my only hope with this two-part doom that has consumed my life.

I am in a long term relationship. We are pretty much solid except for two problems:
1) I am unhappy with our sex life.
2) He doesn’t have a job.

1) We have a fair amount of sex. I want it to be better. My partner, C tells me often that he wants me to get off, and that it is a thing that would make him happy. It would also make me happy. I think the foreplay part of sex needs to last like about fifteen minutes before there is genital touching, and for him to not ever scrape my parts with stubble ever again. Can I have a script for dealing with this? Possibly one for when things are getting heavy too quickly? I don’t want to stop things I just want to take more time. Help? Please?

2) C has chronic anxiety that he has only recently relieved help for. Four years ago C’s best friend died under extremely bizarre mysterious circumstances. C was devastated. He became extremely depressed, lost his job at the bank, stopped exercising, and started drinking way too much. His other best friend had to make sure he was eating and bathing.

In the last three years he has: received grief counselling, started taking medication, stopped drinking excessively, taken some courses at school so he would relearn having a regular schedule, and gained some hobbies (one of which occasionally generates some money). Just before he started taking courses at school, he and I moved into an apartment together. He has decided that he wants to work full time. But that was a year ago.

I am super thrilled with his progress back towards being functional. I am so proud of him for actually getting help. However, C needs a job. C has talked a lot about having a job, how he feels crappy “freeloading” off my student aid, how loserly/useless/fat/old/ugly he feels. It’s honestly really hard to listen to him talk like that. He has asked around a bit, but he hasn’t actually been sending resumes. It’s been about a year of this and I can’t afford it anymore. I don’t want to nag or be overly pressury but the time has come. How do I constructively discuss this with him?

How do I help him get over this last hurdle towards being himself again? Am I being unreasonable? How do I adult this? I knew it would take a while for the jobbing to happen but a year is an awfully long time.

Please help,
Not A Life Coach

Dear Not A Life Coach:

Awesome commenter Sheelzebub hasn’t been seen around these parts in a while, but the flame of her memory burns bright in our hearts. I’m gonna invoke her right now, because she is the best at asking the right questions for these kinds of letters.

If things stayed exactly like they are, bad sex, no job, no action or progress toward getting a job, would you stay:

Another month?

Another 6 months?

Another year?

Another 5 years?

How long?

Because you have the scripts already. They are “C, I like having sex with you, but I really need foreplay to last longer, also, please shave if you’re gonna go down because otherwise it’s like sandpaper.” In the moment, it’s more like “Slow down, please!” and redirecting his hand/face where you’d like it and then saying “Yes! That’s good!” when he does. There’s no magic sugarcoated way to do this, just, say it. You have the longer talk when you’re not about to have sex or haven’t just had sex, deploy the in-the-moment scripts as necessary, and then wait and see if it gets better.

The job script is “C, I can’t afford to keep supporting both of us. I know you have a lot of anxiety about getting a job, but as of (date) I need you to contribute to the rent & bills & food costs, or I need to move somewhere cheaper where I can carry the load myself or with a roommate who can.” I think you need to also make the costs explicit if they’ve just been handled silently by you in the past, because he literally might not know how much it is. Make a spreadsheet that lays out exactly how much you pay for rent, bills, food and then divide that number in half. Maybe you should scale it up gradually – the first month he needs to cover 1/4, the next month 1/2, etc. until he can swing the full amount. Does he need to make his hobby really pay? Does he need to send two resumes/fill out two applications a week (this is my current deal with myself, FYI)? Does he need to look for part-time, short-term gigs? Does he need to register with a temp agency? (One thing holding him back might be the feeling that he “should” be able to get a job exactly like the one he had before, at the same pay and status. I think we have reached the “Start somewhere” stage.

If he really can’t work due to anxiety, can he talk to a social worker about occupational therapy or filing for some sort of disability? Hinting isn’t going to work. Hoping he will suddenly deal with this isn’t going to work. You’ve got to give him numbers and a time frame and then see what he does.

The question isn’t the scripts. You’ve got the scripts. The question is the date. What is your date past which you can’t hang with this stuff anymore? What would you do if the time limit passed and he’s still not working or trying to work, but he is making a noticeable effort? What would you do if nothing changed? You won’t be a bad person if you started thinking about where you’d live and what you’d do if it were just you a year from now.

Dear Captain Awkward,

My boyfriend and I met over 4 years ago and have been living together for almost 2 years. We met at work (though we don’t work together anymore), and for me it started out very slowly – I found him super attractive, and I was just getting over a really nasty break-up. But as I we started seeing each other more, I started to fall in love with him. He is one of the kindest, most loyal people I have ever met, and things with him felt easy and right in the way they never had with anyone else.

All this in mind, I feel like what I’m writing about shouldn’t matter, but here it is anyway: he’s a bad kisser. When we met, he was bad, and I knew it, but I thought this was something that with some fun practice would get better. It hasn’t. I can’t believe I’m about to write a long story about kissing, but I am.

The big problem is that kissing really turns me on. I enjoy sex and everything that goes along with it, but I absolutely love kissing. For a while, when we first started seeing each other, I would gently try to give suggestions. Sometimes they would work, but he always seems to relapse after a while. I would try to tell him what made me feel good but when you’re in bed, you can only say so much before things get scientific and very un-sexy, which seems to be the only way to communicate because demonstrating and sexy hints don’t work. In the end he was finally getting confused and even annoyed and defensive. So I finally stopped and because of all of his other good qualities (and the rest of the sex was fine), I tried not to let it bother me.

I should also explain that he is very shy about talking about sex, even though he is in his mid 40s. Communication was a big problem for us when we first met, and we have worked together to make leaps and bounds in that area. He does seem willing to work with me in the bedroom as well, and I don’t even think all this is for lack of trying…somehow, I’m either not communicating what I want, or he’s not getting it…but I’m starting to worry that after 4 years, things pretty much are what they are, and I’m going to have to either be okay with it, or not.

I am getting to the point, too, at which I need to decide whether to take The Next Step. I want kids and I want to get married. I love my guy a lot, and this seems like a silly thing to be upset about in the scheme of things. But I also worry that marrying him will mean a lifetime of sex that is…well, fine, but lacking in the area that really makes me happy.

I would love some insight, if you could give it.

Sincerely,
Kissing shouldn’t be brain surgery

Dear Brain Surgery:

After four years, this is the kind of kisser he is. You’ve done all the right stuff already: Demonstrating, working on communication, giving him feedback, telling him what you like. And he’s still cleaning your gumline with his tongue or trying to suck your whole face into his or giving you weird little pecks timed as if by a metronome (or whatever his unsexy deal is).

So let’s apply the Sheelzebub Principle. If you knew that this was as good as the kissing gets, would you want to stay with him?

For another year?

For five years?

For 10 years?

How do you handle this now? Do you lie back and think of England while he goes to town on your lower face? Do you avoid kissing him?

You say “The big problem is that kissing really turns me on. I enjoy sex and everything that goes along with it, but I absolutely love kissing.” It’s actually heartbreaking to see you suggest that something is wrong with you for liking kissing. You get to break up with even really sweet people if you are incompatible sexually. Or you get to decide that all of the good stuff he brings is a worthwhile trade-off for bad kissing. I dunno. I don’t have magic “kiss better” scripts, sorry. One night my boyfriend and I demonstrated on each other all the most horrific kissing techniques we’d encountered over the years (The Remora! The Drooler! The Corpse! The Cleaner! The Berserker! The Fishhook! The Count!), which led to us both crying with laughter and then having to do lots of good kissing to chase out the bad. Sometimes telling my film students to deliberately “shoot wrong” helps them understand composition and editing concepts. Maybe try something like that?

Dear Captain Awkward,

My partner and I have been together on and off for nearly six years. Last year he told me that he thought we’d made a mistake breaking up and that he didn’t want to lose me so we started thinking about dating again. Really, that meant that we acted like friends in public and a couple in private. About a month ago it started to bother me that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere and this made me think about why our relationship doesn’t seem to work. I realised that it’s just too stressful.

We both get so stressed with each other. He gets stressed because he feels he has to look after me, I get stressed because I feel like he’s patronising me. He gets stressed because I don’t talk enough, I get stressed because he wants me to talk more and I don’t have anything to talk about. He gets stressed because I “don’t want to do anything”, I get stressed because I feel like he looks down on my suggestions of what to do. You get the picture. We’ve tried talking it out but we both end up feeling like the other person wants us to be someone we’re not, and we’ve tried to change what the other person wants changing but it never seems to be enough.

I know all relationships are stressful at times, but this is stressful almost all of the time that we’re together. We do love each other and we really want to make this work, but it’s just so hard all the time. Are we incompatible, or do we just need to deal with our stress better? Is this what all relationships are like, and are we expecting too much from each other? I thought that I definitely wanted us to be together but now I’m not sure.

Yours sincerely,

Just Want to Relax

Dear Just Want To Relax:

All relationships are not like this. There are relationships where the majority of time is spent laughing and being nice to each other. There are relationships where having different communication styles works fine because the more talkative partner isn’t demanding a performance from the quiet one. There relationships where no one patronizes anyone, ever! There are relationships where being a couple in public and in private don’t require extensive negotiation. Everyone has to deal with stressful things sometimes, there are relationships where having a partner to help you makes everything less stressful, not more.

After six years, you have all the information you need about how this is going to go. It sounds like a lot of work. So, if nothing changed about how you spend time together and relate to each other, how long would you want to maintain this stress level?

Another month?

Another year?

Another 6 years?

It also sounds like you never really actually broke up, so you don’t know what the sweet, sweet relief of aloneness and quiet is. What if you broke up again and actually cut off contact so you could really heal and not grow back together like a badly set limb?

You asked me how do you know when it’s too much work…

• When one of you always feels like they need to apologize to the other
• When one person always wants something that the other doesn’t want to give
• When you feel uneasy and insecure rather than happy and supported
• When all your time is spent working out the parameters of the relationship rather than enjoying the relationship

It sounds like he really likes sleeping with you but isn’t so down for the rest. And it sounds like you are not actually cool with that. How long would you be willing to give this a try if you knew nothing would fundamentally change?

Dear Captain Awkward:

I have been with my boyfriend Dan for 6 years and have always told him that I am someone who wanted to marry. Initially he said that that was not his thing. As we got more serious, he agreed that yes, someday we would marry.

In listening to what he says and does over the years, it’s become clear that while he said we would, Dan really DOESN’T want to get married. We discussed this recently, and he admitted that while he’d always said that he wasn’t into the idea because
* he didn’t see the point
* he didn’t want to stand up in front of people
* marriage is just a piece of paper
* we’re already committed,

In reality it was because he saw it as a really big deal and he was afraid his marriage would fail. So ok, very clear: he’s not going to marry me.

He doesn’t want the relationship to end though. It seems a bit drama-queeny to break up with him because he doesn’t want to marry me. But yeah, it makes me very sad, because to me, it’s an important commitment step. To me dating is auditioning the relationship and marriage is making a decision about that relationship. He says he’s already made a decision to be with me.

Because we’re older (he’s 50), people call him my husband, but he’s not. I feel (childishly?) that he gets the social approval of commitment, without actually committing. There is no real social pressure; I live in Europe where many people don’t bother marrying. It’s really just me — I want a form of commitment that is different from his, and I’m disappointed. Am I letting myself down by not sticking to something I value? Am I just going to have to get over it for the sake of a very good relationship with someone I love?

The subject line of your email was “eternal bachelor: commitment-phobe or modern man?” which made me laugh; it’s such a classic Women’s Magazine sort of headline. But it’s not funny when you feel like you’re living it, complete with nagging woman/aloof man cliches, and I’m really sorry. 

I want to turn Dan’s question around on him, on your behalf. If he’s already committed to you in a lifelong kinda way, and getting married isn’t such a big deal to him, then why not go down to the registry office and knock it out one day soon? It requires no changes on his part, and is actually meaningful to you, so why NOT do it?

If he’s already committed for life, then let’s talk about the ways that marriage as a legal institution acts as a safety net in worst case scenarios, especially as people age:

• Who makes decisions for the other if one of you gets sick or is incapacitated?
• How does money get handled in the case of death or debilitating injury?
• Do you know where all each other’s money (and debts) live? Do you manage money together?
• Do you each have a will? What’s your insurance situation?
• Can you talk about all of the above calmly and constructively, in a way that makes you both feel cared for and heard?

Someone who says “I’m worried the marriage will fail” is actually saying (sorry!) “I don’t think I would stay married to you, even if we got married.” After six years, I think you know everything you need to know about Dan and what he wants and what you want. It sounds like you want different stuff. And that’s daunting, because starting over is daunting. Giving up something that’s pretty great for the unknown is pretty scary. I don’t know what you should do, so let’s apply the Sheelzebub Principle. If things stayed exactly as they are for another six years, would you be happy?

One thing that guts me about all of your letters is your questioning of your right to want good kissing, good sex, a partner who can help with the bills, marriage, someone who makes you feel relaxed instead of stressed all the time. You’re using words like “drama queen” to describe yourself for being a human who wants things. You’re all asking “Is it even okay to want what I want?“

Whoever injected our collective brain with the idea that love is something we earn by making ourselves want only smaller, appropriate, manageable things needs to come here and fight me, with fists. Because I want EVERYTHING. I want love, I want great sex, I want great kissing, I want to be able to relax and laugh with my love, I want us to both contribute financially to the household as well as we are able, and when the time comes I want to stand up in front of the people I care about and say “You bet I do” and sign that “meaningless” piece of paper. I want those things without apology. Without limit. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with any of you for wanting those things, too. I can’t promise you that someone is out there who wants those things and wants them with you (I don’t control that, just like I can’t make people kiss better or clean the toilet when it’s their turn) but my own life has given me lots of reasons to be optimistic on your behalf.

You guys knew what I was going to say when you wrote, most likely. I’m good at “break up, duh” and I wish I had something better to offer you. Probably what would be most useful here are stories from the community:

Recognize yourself in any of these tales?

Were you and your partner able to talk your way through to a better place? 

Hey Captain & Company,

I haven’t seen my father since I was 8. We were in contact until I was 16; he was emotionally abusive throughout that time. I have a brother and sister by his previous marriage, and part of his abuse involved keeping us from having a relationship with each other. We have reconnected as adults and are tentatively trying to learn how to be siblings. It’s very difficult with my sister because she is very close to our father and is really insistent that I should be as well.

My husband, on the other hand, has a great relationship with his parents, his brother, his extended family. And that’s good! They’re all great people! (His mom and mine are like bffs now). Sometimes at his family events I feel like Jane Goodall observing emotionally healthy apes.

“Clay” doesn’t understand why my family isn’t the same as his. I was, admittedly, not very forthcoming about all the issues I have with my father and siblings earlier in our relationship, so he was a bit weirded out when, for example, he found out I’d never met my nieces & nephews. We finally had a discussion about it when he objected to not inviting anyone from my paternal side to our wedding, and I thought he understood.

But now I’m pregnant, and looming fatherhood has made him VERY WORRIED about my father’s feelings. Clay wouldn’t want to be cut off from his child for mistakes he made years ago, and although my father’s mistakes were terrible and I have every right to be angry, can’t I see it from his point of view? (spoiler: no). My sister mentioned that my father has been sending annual Facebook messages to me, reminding me that he loves me and if I “ever need to talk” he’s there for me, and Clay has taken that as evidence that he’s changed and deserves a chance to know his grandchild. The last time Clay and I argued about this he called me unreasonable, and I’m sorry to say that after that point I pretty well lived up to it.

I’d like a script to SHUT IT DOWN, but I guess it’s possible that Clay’s right and I am being unreasonable. I still have a hard time calling my father’s behavior abuse out loud; maybe I haven’t gotten across how really really terrible just the idea of him makes me feel. He does superficially seem like a better person than he was, but I still don’t want him near my child, and I don’t want him near me. I’m hoping someone on Team Awkward has suggestions how to fix this mess or myself.

Thank you so much!

Ugh, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Let’s start with founding principles:

1. It’s possible your Dad HAS changed and IS really sorry.

2. It’s also possible for you to not care and not want to talk to him, ever. A visual aid:

Let’s start with your sister, because she is the source of the information and the pressure about your dad.

“Sister, I am going to tell you something, and I need you to hear me.

I do not want a relationship with Dad.

I do not want to hear from Dad.

I do not want to hear about Dad, from you.

I am glad that you and Dad have figured out a happy way to be in each other’s lives, but it’s not the same for me, and I need you to respect that. Please stop passing messages to me. Please stop pressuring me to re-open contact. Please do not give him any information about me or my family. I believe you that he feels bad and has changed. I need you to believe me that my feelings about him have not changed. If my feelings change I ever want to talk to Dad, I will, of my own volition, track the dude down. You are not our go-between in this, and I need you to stop. Do you understand?“

She’ll have some stuff to say, then tell her what is going to happen. “Going forward, if you bring up Dad, I am going to ask you to change the subject. If you won’t, I am going to end the conversation for that day, and we can try again another time. I really don’t want this to come between us or be an issue in our relationship, but the best way to accomplish that is for you to stop making it an issue for me.”

Then give her some time to process, and going forward, implement the boundary setting you told her you would. It may take several tries, especially since he will do everything he can to keep pushing her on the subject (b/c he is a jerkface and hearing “no” just emboldens him to try harder). Be really nice and friendly to her overall, but if she brings up the subject, change it, and if she won’t stop, do the “Well, so nice to talk to you, let’s do this again soon” and GTFO.

Here’s a script for Clay.

“Clay, I’ve talked to my sister about this, and now I want to talk to you.

I need you to hear me, because I’m only going to say this one time.

I do not want a relationship with my dad. I do not want him around our child. 

I believe Sister when she says he has changed, he feels bad, he cares about me, he wants a relationship, etc.

That doesn’t obligate me to invite him back into my life, ever. He can go be a better man someplace that is else. I have asked her to stop pushing on his behalf, and now I am going to ask you. Please stop.

You’ve said that this brings up worries for you, for instance, what if someday our child won’t talk to you because you made “a mistake?” Well, if you or I were to terrorize and control our child the way my dad terrorized and tried to control me, that would be a real risk. We’re not talking about one mistake, or the kind of “fight” that would happen in your family, we’re talking about years of systemic maltreatment. (Be forthcoming if you have held anything back; this is your time).

I don’t have to “move past that” in order to make you feel better. If I ever want to talk to my dad, I know where to find him, and I can reach out of my own free will. But it’s not going to happen because you and Sister push me into it. If I’m making a terrible mistake, I can live with that. This isn’t about you as a father, this is about me having a better life because he is finally out of it. Hear me. Believe me. Please stop trying to make this happen.”

He’s gonna say some stuff. Keep some phrases in your back pocket.

• “I don’t need you to understand or agree with me, but I do need you to respect my wishes about this.”
• “You can feel however you want to about it, however, if you bring him up, I’m going to change the subject, and if you keep bringing him up, I’m going to leave the conversation.” 
• “This isn’t an argument that you can win, or a negotiation. If you keep pushing, you’re not going to change my mind, but you are going to hurt and annoy me.”

Or, the most positive way you could put it: “Clay, you can’t fix my childhood or my family history. But you are my family now, and I love you. So believe me; let this go and let me finally have a happy family.”

You already know what to do and say and have been doing it. This isn’t about your dad, this is about boundary-setting with the people you do care about. Defend those boundaries without guilt.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I would like to ask for your opinion of a situation that is currently happening in my life, hopefully whatever you may say might give me another perspective.

I have a crush on the most gorgeous boy, my family friend and we’ve always been friends. He had a crush on me once, years ago, but now the tables have turned and it’s me who has these feelings. I just adore him, it’s the same old story.

There’s this other girl, one of the popular girls and she has a boyfriend who goes to another school but that doesn’t stop her and said boy from flirting all the time. She’s just all over him all the time and he is too, but all of my friends say that they’re just good friends and that’s it.

I just want to know, from the outside, without knowing all of the
information it may seem like he likes her, and I feel that way also, but I
swear sometimes he steals glances at me, we laugh and joke together
sometimes, he like obnoxiously sings songs to me in class to make me laugh (and he succeeds) and he’s shy around me, even though he’s one of the popular boys and he’s seemingly cocky and confident all the time. 

He’s so much different around his friends and it’s in those moments when we’re together at each others houses that I feel like maybe something could happen. These feelings I have for him, I just feel it in my stomach and in my heart. I want him so badly it hurts.

Captain Awkward, do you think anything could ever happen between us?

Because I would really like to know, so I could know if all this wanting
is for nothing. All I want is something…..anything.

Love, Eleanor x

Dear Eleanor x,

There is only one person who knows the answer to this question.

That person might like the other girl.

He might like flirting with the other girl but also like you (or someone else).

He might just like flirting with everyone and not like anyone in particular. Or, it may not have occurred to him that you might like him so he doesn’t quite see you that way. Attention from cool people feels good, there’s nothing wrong with him enjoying it.

Watching him like a hawk, reading all of his laughs and smiles and glances like tea leaves, and speculating on his desires are not going to get you closer to figuring out his feelings, but they are going to get you more invested in an outcome that may or may not happen. Trust me, you can spend years in this headspace, ignoring all other people who might be cool romantic partners, obsessing over the slightest changes in his facial expression, boring your friends with another analysis of “the way he leans” and yet getting no closer to putting your lips in the neighborhood of his lips.

What would happen if the next time he was at your house, without his friends, you said something like “I am developing a crush on you, is that weird?” or “Do you still ever think about us getting together?” and then you talked about it?

One possibility is always that he says, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way.” Which would be embarrassing in the moment, but then you’d at least know what’s going on. You could take a little time to regroup and then go back to being friends. Your friendship survived his crush on you, why wouldn’t it survive this? Reminder, when someone tells you that, it’s best to say “Well, that’s sad news, but I had to ask” and then back off.

There are other possibilities, though. “Let me think about it!” “REALLY ME TOO <3 <3 <3 <3 <3″

I want you to think of everyone you know who is happily, mutually in love with another human. Your friends. Your family. Then think about everyone in the whole world who is in love that way. Every single one of us had to navigate an awkward moment like this. Someone had to be brave and say the thing. There might have been hints and signals leading up to that moment, but no one was ever sure before they took the leap.

Hope and courage and love, Miss Eleanor.

Hello Captain,

This seems like such an common problem that I was surprised there hasn’t been a post about it before – but then, maybe it’s so commonplace and everyone but me handles it fine so it doesn’t need a post.

Your column has helped change from a “build the crush up in my head” Firther to someone who Uses My Words and asks people out when I first become interested in them. Sometimes they say yes! Other times they say no but I’m still better off than I would have been had I let the crush fester! I can’t thank you enough for your advice on this topic over the years.

Yet now I have a problem. Over the past few months, I’ve developed a crush on this fellow, whom we’ll call Fellow. Fellow is in a serious, monogamous relationship and has been for several years. From my outside perspective, they are very happy together and likely to get married. I have no desire to negatively impact this relationship.

Fellow and I have been acquaintances for years, but have recently started talking more and have become Actual Friends within the past few months. We talk online quite a bit. We don’t see each other in person often but we got to hang out at a nerd event this weekend. Apparently, our in-person interaction is obviously flirtatious enough that several people asked me what the heck is going on with us.

I think he may be flirting with me with the assumption that it’s all in good fun and nothing will come of it. I’m worried that it’s dishonest and wrong to continue as we have been with him not knowing that I’m seriously interested and would make a move if things were different.

Fellow is also semi-famous in our particular nerd world, and has said things that imply to me that he perceives my sometimes-nervousness around him simply as being starstruck (not in an egotistical way; he always reminds me that he’s not a big deal and that we really are friends). It also follows that he may know that I have a crush on him, but think it’s more of a celebrity crush than real feelings.

I can’t tell him that I like him, right? No good can come of it.

Am I obligated to cut down on the flirting, or can I pretend it’s just for fun since that’s probably why he flirts with me?

And what on earth can I do to stop this crush from taking over my brain if I can’t talk to him about it?

Regards,
I Was Doing So Well

Dear Doing So Well:

Having a crush on a monogamously attached person isn’t wrong (or if it is, I am retroactively sorry, like, 1,000 times).

Your instincts are also good on the whole “don’t tell the happily partnered friend about your crush because you don’t want to throw a wrench into his works or beach yourself on the rocky shoals of his disinterest” thing.

But your question illustrates the limitations of that strategy, when your endgame isn’t “get with this dude,” it’s “enjoy his company without shredding your own heart” as he casually flirts with you.

So this is about finding a way to take care of yourself. One way is to wait for the next time he flirts with you and address it.

“Hey, it can be really fun to flirt with you, but could you chill out with it for a while?“

He’s gonna say something like “Aw man, why?“

And you can say “Eh, it’s just a bit too much, thanks” and leave it there. You don’t have to give reasons. Repeat versions  and variations of “It’s too much.” “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but it feels like too much.” 

I’m usually against invoking Mysterious Other People Who Agree With Me That You Are Doing Things Wrong in discussions, but the fact that it’s noticeable enough in public that other people are commenting on it can be part of the reason. “In public it attracts more attention than I’m comfortable with, and in private it just feels confusing and inappropriate.“

Get ready for him to defend his honor and your honor. But we’re just friends! I don’t mean anything by it! My girlfriend is okay with it! You’re my friend, you’re not some fangirl groupie, etc., etc.

The thing is, this doesn’t have to be about his relationship, the rules of his relationship, his just-a-friendly feelings for you, or whatever. This is about you and your comfort. His right to flirt with you ends at your comfort with that. You get to reset the boundary within your friendship. “No flirting for a while” is a perfectly reasonable request, and a true friend (especially someone with a little fame who is used to ‘starstruck’ fans) has a lot of room to be cool and understanding. You’re not obligated to keep flirting with him just so that your friendship will never change and he will always feel 100% okay about his behavior, so don’t get sucked into that trap.

This discussion might spiral into a FEELINGSTALK, if you set a boundary about behavior and he keeps digging for reasons.“I don’t want to get between you and girlfriend, or make our friendship weird, but the flirting stuff makes my feelings confused. The problem isn’t that I don’t enjoy it, it’s that I *really* enjoy it, in a way that feels inappropriate given that we are not involved and you are very happily involved with someone else. I’d like very much to stay friends with you, but I need the flirting to stop for that to comfortably happen.“

In the screenplay in my head he says “Oh.” and you say “Bet you wish you’d just stopped back when I said ‘can you lay off the flirting for a while?‘”

The other way is to pull back a bit from the friendship and put your energy into meeting new people and otherwise distracting yourself. You don’t have to slow fade or cut things off, and you don’t have to notify him that you are doing it or why. Just let him do the work of initiating conversation for a while. Maybe train yourself out of responding immediately by filtering his emails to a folder that you check once a week. Maybe don’t be so available on IM. Maybe be more scheduled about IM sessions or phone calls so that you can compartmentalize a bit and it’s not all flirty messaging, all the time. When you have a crush like the way you have a crush, your brain interprets any attention from him as “Happy Reward Times! RELEASE THE PLEASURE CHEMICALS” and you need to cut into that cycle somehow.

If he notices that you are not so available and asks you about it, and if you feel up to it, you can level with him. “Since you ask, last time I saw you at Event, we were very flirty, and it made my feelings confused. I don’t want a little crush on you to make our friendship weird or lead to anything inappropriate, so I’ve been pulling back a bit until my feelings get less awkward. I’ll see you/talk to you in (time frame that is probably a few months), is that cool?“

Everything that makes you fun to flirt with for this person is within you. It’s not some glow imparted by this one dude’s Nerdfame or attention, it’s your wit and attractiveness and good humor and loyal friendship or whatever Terrifyingly Amazing stuff you’ve got going on. This is the good part of crushes, the part that lights you up and makes you smile and get great haircuts on the regular and stand up straight and flirt shamelessly with hot nerd celebrities. Keep being brave and awkward, and when love comes to you it will come correct.

What search terms are leading people to Captain Awkward? Let’s add punctuation and answer them like questions.

1. “What’s wrong with me? My boyfriend wants to be with me all the time but I don’t.”

Nothing is wrong with you, it just seems like you want different stuff. If this is about the amount of time each of you wants to spend together, try renegotiating a schedule that works for both of you. If this is about differing levels of affection and commitment to the relationship, maybe take it as a sign that it’s time to move on, or at least seriously rebalance expectations.

2. “Am I a Nice Guy tm”

Depends. Do you think The Friend Zone is a real place, and that you unfairly live there?

Do you lament that your female friends always date jerks when they could be dating you?

When you talk about how nice you are, does it actually sound really angry?

Is every female friend you have someone you have a crush on?

Prescription: Read lots of books and watch lots of movies and look at lots of art and listen to lots of music made by women. It will be fun, educational, and get you into all kinds of cool conversations because you have great stuff to recommend. And it will help you see women as protagonists in their own stories rather than the Female Romantic Lead in yours.

3. “How do I tell him he’s cute without it being awkward?”

Try complimenting a specific thing or make it specific to today. “I think you’re really cute” is harder to pull off for amateurs than “You look great today, that shirt really suits you!“

Complimenting people – not just people you want to bone, but people who are all around you – is a nice habit to get into. It builds confidence and makes people feel good. To do it well, keep it focused on stuff they chose, like shoes/clothing/taste in books/jewelry, rather than body parts. “I like your bag, it looks really sturdy” is good; “I like your ass, it looks very grabbable” is creepy.

4. “My married ex is always calling me and texting me to say hello. Does it mean he’s missing me?”

The fact that you call him your ex and not a friend is what we call a telling detail. You could ask him “What’s up with all the texting, dude?” but the chances that this is a bored dude looking for validation and flirtation in familiar territory are high. Do you want him to be missing you, is the better question. Do you want to be dealing with this at all?

5. “Masturbation support hotline.” 

If you’re looking for information instead of, you know, fodder, get thee to Scarleteen.

6. “Can espresso make you horny?”

I am not a scientist, so I don’t know. Maybe you could do a controlled experiment, where you get a group of people to not drink espresso and look at sexy images, and another group to drink espresso and look at images of birds or cats or dining room furniture, and see who is hornier? I’m not a scientist, so I’m probably not good at designing experiments, either.

It’s probably not the coffee, tho.

7. “What to do in a situation where a coworker is really trying to be your friend and psychotically won’t leave you alone?”

Keep conversations to just work. Refuse all invitations to do stuff outside of work. Do the get up and walk thing when they linger by you work area.

If they refer to you as friends or ask you to be friends, be blunt. “We’re not friends. We work together, and I’d like that to be a pleasant, easy experience for both of us, but I don’t want to be friends.“

Then be consistent about it. I just got a letter from the other perspective, where sometimes the coworker was super-friendly, wanted to have lunch all the time, etc. but other times just completely froze the letter writer out, like, not even “good morning” or whatever. Don’t do that. Pick a lane and then be professional.

Since you use the word “psychotically” maybe we’re past all that. If they do harassing stuff, invade your space, keep pushing the issue, etc. tell a supervisor or HR.

8. “What is a song from a girl to a man saying she loves him but the long distance isn’t working?”

I don’t have anything that perfectly fits the bill. This, from the year of my birth, comes to mind:

And it looks like there is a Tumblr devoted to exactly this. Other suggestions, readers?

9. “What does it mean when a guy likes you and then ignores you?”

Could mean a lot of things, from he changed his mind to he’s nursing hurt feelings from a rejection or perceived rejection to he’s really young and still figuring out how to feelings. Do you want his attention, is the question? What happens if you ask him to spend time together?

10. “What does it mean when a friend with benefits tells you they love you when drunk?”

Probably your first step is to figure out how you feel about what they said. Was this a welcome, hoped-for declaration, or “oh crap, now it’s ruined” kind of news or more of a “Huh, hadn’t thought about it” thing?

You could just wait and see if they say it again, while sober or outside the throes of, um, benefiting. If it’s not something you are also feeling, and it never comes up again, you could chalk it up to Extremely Good Benefits/Booze and not really worry about it either way. Or you could say “you said A Thing the other night, and I have been thinking about it ever since” and see what happens.

11. “How to reject people politely on Match.”

Rejection doesn’t feel good, no matter how politely it’s delivered. Reactions vary from “Ok, good luck” (good) to silence (good) to “I spend all this time crafting a cool message and never get any responses! Why can’t people at least respond and tell me they don’t like me?” or “Why write back at all if it’s only to reject me?” or “Why don’t you like me, exactly?” being among them.

You don’t know (just like you don’t know if someone will respond positively to a message). This was my personal rule:

No one is obligated to reply, so if the message or profile was creepy in any way, I didn’t answer at all.

If it was HILARIOUSLY, APPALLINGLY creepy I reported it to the Annals of Online Dating.

If the message was thoughtful and the person seemed basically cool, I answered the way I would want to be answered: “Thank you for the thoughtful message. I don’t think you and I would be a good match, but I hope you meet someone great.” Most people I encountered sent something very polite in return. “You too, thanks for acknowledging my message.” Anyone replying with any shade of “whyyyyyyyy” got blocked for their own good and mine.

12. “How do I write a letter to my husband telling him that I’m pregnant by someone?”

Wow. Okay. Do you want to keep a) the baby b) the husband c) both d) neither? Because there is an order of operations here. Like, “I’m leaving you for ______” is maybe news that can stand on its own, and the “and _____ and I are having a baby!” can come later, like, when a baby comes out of you after you’ve left your husband.

Whatever you write, keep it short and, not sweet exactly, but 1) clear about what you want and 2) focused on giving your husband information that would help him make a good decision about what to do next. “Dear Husband, I am pregnant. This would be incredibly happy news, but because of (shenanigans), I am not sure about paternity. I realize that this is a lot to take in, and that we have some serious thinking and talking to do. I love you and hope we can work through all of this together, please think about it and come talk to me when you are ready.“

What the shenanigans (cheating vs. I went to the fertility clinic without you vs. my poly partner and I had a little condom oopsie, etc.) were controls how much “I’m sorry” is in the letter, but a good rule for apologies is to own your part in what happened without trying to make the other person feel sorry for you.

A letter has the advantage of giving the recipient time to react. Write it, send it, let go, and hope.

13. “How do I leave a social group without hurting their feelings?”

If you want or need to leave the group, do you have to make it known that’s what’s happening, or will unsubscribing from a Meetup or Facebook group or just not coming to events anymore get it done? If you need to actually make it clear, tell the organizer what’s up. “Can you take me off the invite list for x events for the next little bit? I’m feeling over-scheduled right now. I’ll let you know if that changes.“

You don’t have to give reasons, though the organizers might ask why. This isn’t bad, it’s because they LIKE you and want you to be welcome/comfortable. You can decide what you want to tell them, anything from “It’s just not fitting in my schedule right now” to “X Person behaves inappropriately and I’ve decided not to be around them for a bit.“

They are going to feel what they are going to feel. You can’t control that, so take care of yourself, be as polite and sincere as you feel you can be, and do what you need to do.

14. “Pull my finger princess.”