Video: Snappy dance music, Polish soccer, what’s not to love?
It’s that time again, when we answer the things people typed into search engines like they are questions.
1. “Dating a Midwestern man”
High probability of at least one of these things going on: beer, cheese, beards, & warm, burly hugs. What’s not to like?
2. “My crush doesn’t make a move even though I feel we have chemistry. Why?”
There is literally one person on earth who can answer this question for you. (Hint: It’s your crush) If you like this person and feel like you have good chemistry, why aren’t you making a move?
3. “friendsporn???”
??? If this is porn based on the 1990s TV show “Friends,” HARD PASS.
If this is you trying to make porn with your friends, make sure you have clear consent – like “signed release-forms!” clear.
4. “How to sabotage someone’s teeth.”
Teeth are useful and important. Please don’t do this.
5. “Girlfriend is over emotional and oversensitive.”
Better break up with her and find someone with your exact level of cool, logical detachment!
6. “I impregnated a girl whose parents and mine are not in good terms please am confused what do I do?”
Be kind to the ‘girl’ in this situation and ask her what she wants to do about it all. She’s the one carrying the heaviest load here.
7. “How to knock your fucken dad out because he is a fucken asshole.”
You know I’m gonna suggest “no violence” but the phrasing of this made me laugh and reminded me of the fan-generated ad campaign for this brand of liquor that’s popular among my Chicago dirtbag friends:
Image = ad for Jeppson’s Malört with a photo of the bottle and the text: “Tonight’s the night you fight your dad.”
(Don’t drink this, it’s repulsive)
8. “He blocked me and I have no way to contact him.”
Yes, that is the general idea.
9. “My weight loss captain.”
Is piloting another ship, far from here.
10. “How to get rid of my son’s girlfriend before he goes to college.”
You don’t.
Look, I get it on some level. At my teaching job I see a lot of college students who spend more time Skyping and texting with their sweethearts back home than making friends and engaging fully in their classes or campus life. We, who are older, want to say “You have your whole life to be in love and only a limited time to be in college, so seize this opportunity with both hands!” But your son gets to decide who he loves, and any move you make to separate them will probably only drive him away from you. Let them be. If it’s true love, it will shine through no matter what you think or do about it. If it isn’t, The Turkey Drop will take care of it on its own without any help from you.
11. “Very dangerous when girls chews dicks of boys for serious.”
Much dangerous, many serious.
Reminds me of this video I saw once. Video description: Comedienne Ellie Kemper plans to give the worst head ever.
12. “I love my boyfriend but my mother doesn’t like him because he is abusive, what do I do?”
As reasons not to like someone go, that’s a super good one. What’s the worst that could happen if you listened to your mother?
13. “Estranged friend’s mother died should I reach out.”
Think about whether a grieving person who doesn’t talk to you anymore would find a card or email or text comforting or intrusive right now. Is your desire to reach out right now about them or about you?
14. “If someone texts a message when drunk is this the truth?”
“In vino veritas” the saying goes, but there are so many caveats here! If you’re looking at drunk texts for proof of something that’s important to know, why don’t you try asking the person about it when they are sober?
15a. “How to defend yourself when caught with the wife of a married man you dating.” & 15b. “I fell in love with a married guy and I’m not really into apologizing.”
Sometimes these things just go together like magnetic poetry.
#15a: If you mean how do you defend yourself physically, leaving the situation as soon as possible seems like a good idea?
If you mean how to defend yourself verbally, maybe…don’t? What could you even say? “I’m dating your husband! I have really good reasons that I think you’ll want to hear about right now!”
#15b Is this the new “I’m not here to make friends?”
16. “When she won’t watch the shows you like.”
Watch them by yourself or with friends who do like them?
People can have good love without overlapping pop culture tastes, as long as everyone is respectful.
17. “Is there any point visiting someone in mental hospital?”
If the person is allowed to have visitors and wants them, and you can make the time, visiting can be a great thing. It can be so isolating in the hospital and seeing a familiar face of someone who loves you can be such a lifeline. Keep it light, let the patient guide the conversation.
18. “Neighbor won’t answer doorbell.”
If I’m not expecting someone and I don’t smell smoke or hear screaming, I don’t answer the door. Your neighbors might feel the same. Try calling, texting, emailing, or slipping a note under the door with whatever you wanted to tell them.
