It Came From The Search Terms: February (just under the wire!)

Once a month I try to answer the things that people typed into search engines to find my blog as if they are questions. It’s an exercise in mixed results.

1.

If you were a Princess and he said “I love you but I don’t want the title of Prince-Consort, I’d rather just be Bill” you should definitely talk through your wants and expectations. If you’re doing sex with someone and you say “are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?” and they say “Babe, let’s not put labels on this,” it’s a sign that they aren’t really planning a future or a serious relationship with you, so think through your wants & expectations.

2.

Most of the kisses we see in cinema are first kisses between the partners – a release of tension that has been building up, a grand sweeping statement of a feeling, like “true love’s kiss” in a Fairy Tale. Or they are last kisses or first AND last kisses – “In case the alien invasion succeeds and I don’t come back!”, etc. The stories want us to think that these kisses are extremely meaningful and perfect and that they are a sign of everything syncing up and falling into place for two people via the visual metaphor of two mouths meeting while the camera spins around. Those kisses are choreographed, framed, and designed by a team of people to be perfect on screen because the entirety of that relationship – the tenor of what future sex will be like, the chemistry between the characters and the performers, the depth of their connection – has to be hinted at and summed up on screen by that one kiss.

Actual humans in kissing-type arrangements take a lot more trial-and-error, and since all of our kisses don’t take place the night before Final Battles, we fortunately get to conduct more trials.Teeth happen, noses are sticky-outy, braces exist, glasses get in the way, sometimes you don’t know what to do with your hands, sometimes you both lunge at the same time, sometimes you get a weird thought in your head and you can’t stop laughing. Imagine framing up a photograph and adjusting the focus on a manual camera. The image is blurry at first, but you gently move the focusing ring back and forth until you find the sweet spot on the lens and suddenly it’s clear. Different lens, different subject, different spot, you’ve got to mess with the focus again to make it come right. That’s what learning to kiss someone new is like – fiddling about, gently, until suddenly it works. If you like this person and they like you, adjust your trial to error ratio with more trials.

3.

I’ll take sad Family Feud poll/questions for $200, Alex! Not sure what the wider statistics are, but I’m pretty sure that whoever searched for this is within their rights to say, “Hey, can you clean up your dishes before you come to bed and not leave them for me anymore? I’d really appreciate it, thanks.” There are no rules about which gender does which housework, so you can and should negotiate everything.

4.

5.

An overlooked market. Not sure they make that card that you could (or should) send to both people in a floundering marriage. If you’re closer to one of them, a nice card letting that person know you are thinking about them, maybe with an offer to catch up over coffee or lunch or a movie would probably be appreciated. Offering to watch their kids, if they have them, and give them some free time is a nice gesture. Breaking up a longstanding partnership is a lonely affair, so whatever you can do to say “you are loved” without getting in the middle of their business will probably go a long way.

6.

Sometimes they genuinely want to see if they can make an old wrong right – their behavior isn’t sitting right with them and they hope that acknowledging the wrong they did will give closure to the situation. Sometimes they want to preserve the story they tell about themselves where they are a good person. Abusers apologize to gain continued access to their victims.

You don’t have to acknowledge or accept every apology that comes your way. Just because someone said it, doesn’t mean it’s about you or for you to deal with. If it gives you perspective, and healing, great. If not, put it behind you with the rest of that relationship.

7.

Assume they don’t, or that even if they do, it’s not important to what you decide to do next. The hardest thing, I know.

8.

Depends a LOT on the content and on the frequency. What happens to your perception if you interpret it as “Hey, look at me, look at me, look at me!”?

What happens if you interpret it as “I just really really wanted you to know about (topic of this article I linked)!”

What do you want it to mean?

9.

“I’m having a party, I’d love you to stop by if you can” is a nice way to show someone you’d like to get to know them better. Not wrong.

If you’re not the host of the party, that’s a different story – check in with the host first.

10.

Review time: Don’t hit on customer service people when they are at work, and for fuck’s sake don’t touch them. We all admire people we find attractive, but not everybody we find attractive needs to know those thoughts.

11.

For the first draft of this guide, so far I’ve got:

Prevention is best, so, if you meet a man who is really broody and down on themselves, it’s cool to decide not to hang out with them more. Wean yourself from the fairy tale that the brooding negative guy is more interesting than the friendly, relaxed guy. Carry this comic with you at all times as a reminder.

If it’s too late for you, and you’re already in a relationship with a man who hates himself, remember: You can’t love someone into loving themselves, so make sure that you keep loving yourself and prioritizing your own well-being and happiness. Love what is actually present, not his potential. Avoid becoming this man’s sole source of emotional and social support. Make sure you have a strong Team You and that he is not your sole source of emotional and social support. A functional adult relationship takes effort and maintenance, but do not romanticize the idea that struggle, heartbreak, and work somehow make love more true or real or sweet.

If he’s mean to you, leave and don’t look back. Mean is a choice, and mean self-hating dudes almost always get meaner.

It’s a work in progress. What do you think?

12.

Dunno. Some questions that might be more relevant to you at this time:

• If you were sitting alone at a table in a public space, like a library or cafe, and he came in, would he drop by your table to say hi to you at some point?
• Would you drop by and say hi if the roles were reversed?
• If you talk to him, does he enthusiastically respond and try to keep the conversation going?
• If you ask him out, does he want to go?
• If you go out on some dates and that’s all going well, and you bring up the idea of sex, what does he say?
• If you are the kind of person who really wants to be asked instead of doing the asking, is “he” the right fit for you at all?

13.

I don’t know of a book about this, but what would happen if you a) modeled calling first to check if it’s okay before going to see them, b) the next time they drop by and you are not in the mood, said “Wow, great to see you, but this isn’t a good time! Howabout I call you tomorrow and we’ll set up a time to catch up!” and then close the door and go back to what you are doing (then call them when you said you would), c) if it keeps being an issue, ask them directly to call before dropping by. If you always stop what you are doing to let them in, they can be forgiven somewhat for thinking that you are okay with it, so, give it some time.

14.

I think…it means…you broke up? Which you wanted, and she agreed to immediately, so, yaaaaaaaaay! /

15.

Does she think her life dysfunctional, and does she want your advice or help? I’m sure you have a long list of worries to work from here, but maybe start with spending some time with her where you don’t critique anything about her life (do something for the pleasure of each other’s company). Then ask her how she is doing and listen to what she says. Don’t jump in with advice unless she asks for it. Try treating her as you would treat a dear friend. If she brings up problems, listen, empathize, but don’t jump in to solve them – “That sounds hard. What do you think you’ll do?” If you can get in a groove like that one, you’ll be in a better position to be able to say “Daughter, you don’t seem like yourself lately, is there anything I can do to help?” and have her really hear you.

16.

He wants people to look at his junk. Maybe he’s trying to hook up with people for actual encounters. Maybe he just gets off on sharing the pics. Posting on Craigslist has several distinct steps that prevent anything from “accidentally” being posted there.

17.

Sounds like a good time to polish your resume and see what else is out there.

18, 19, 20, and 21: STAR WARS: A NEW NOPE

Real dismay captured in real time with real hat-hair.

My young Jedi searchers, please do not join the Sith. Please read all of Scarleteen’s resources on consent before you talk about or attempt sex with another human being. Maybe start with How Can Men Know If Someone Is Giving Consent Or Not? Here is Doctor Nerdlove on the topic of enthusiastic consent, for a dude-to-dude take on the matter.

It’s okay to want and desire sex with someone, but good men do not pressure people for sex. Good men do not “confuse” or “surprise” their partners into sex. Good men show their partners that they want them to be completely ready and on board for sex before attempting sex. Good men know that sex is something you do with someone with their enthusiastic consent and not to them, unawares.

Please educate yourselves, and be good men who have good sex.

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Thanks for your kind support during Winter Pledge Drive Week. Happy Get The Fuck Out Of Here, February! Day to all.